Tuesday, September 7, 2010


On Sunday Aug 29th 2010 at 6:06pm arrived the gift of Noelle. She was 5lbs, 6 oz, and was 18 and half inches long. At that moment my life became perfect. It is truly a miracle when you can instantly fall in love not once, but two times in just one moment. I fell in love my daughter, and I fell in love with her Mother all over again. In no way can I explain or tell anyone what to EXPECT when you meet your child for the first time. For me it was like in the "Grinch That Stole Christmas" My heart Grew and Grew and Grew and all for a girl named NOELLE. As soon as I saw her I immediately looked down at my beautiful wife and felt the tears of joy roll down my cheek.
This experience has enabled me to grow from a boy into a father. In these 9 months I experienced a crash course in patience, strength, laughter, and love. I learned that as we move more into adulthood your life and perceptions change into a more incredible feeling of joy. It's normal to miss the day's when you can party, stay out late, and only think of your own needs. learn and cherish the time during your significant others pregnancy to embrace this new and amazing chapter of your lives. Out of LOVE my wife and I have created a LIFE and that is a gift that you can never EXPECT, but one can only be grateful for. I will now get to start my life over again. I can now see the innocence of childhood through the eyes of my daughter, and hopefully I can GUIDE her through the journey of life.
I can't tell you word for word "What To Expect When She's Expecting" but I can tell you this...DO NOT SIT ON THE SIDELINES. This is your time to play the most important game of your life. Participate in every way you can with your wife during those 9 month's. Make your relationship strong and talk about everything important, to everything silly. I think you can see by my blogs that my wife and I are open with our feelings and how we communicate. I am so excited to start this next chapter knowing I have my wife to share every experience with. I can promise you one thing...the moment you see your child for the 1st time your heart will melt and your life will change for the better. Noelle is already one week and two days old and I wish I could bottle up every moment, dirty diaper, smile, and tear. This is a love like no other, and it's like nothing I ever EXPECTED.
To everyone who has followed and commented on this blog I Thank you. This forum has given me the opportunity to express myself and reflect and appreciate the most wonderful time in my life. I hope that some of my experiences have helped you relate and understand how a guy feels during this process, and a perspective into "WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN SHE'S EXPECTING"
Remember to cherish every moment and never forget to LAUGH.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Christmas Morning

This is the night before I will become a father. I have spent 9 months reporting this experience about "What to Expect When She's Expecting" The truth is, with a journey like this my advise is don't EXPECT anything. We can read all the books in the world, follow each day on some baby web site, or read some ordinary guys BLOG.....but NOTHING will prepare us for PARENTHOOD and the amazing ball of emotions I am feeling at this moment. the way I feel tonight is like when I was 5 years old laying in my bed hoping to fall a sleep, only because when I woke up it would be Christmas morning. I cant wait to wake up to my new Christmas morning and await the moment where I will meet my daughter NOELLE. This whole blog started as a way for me to share the experience of EXPECTING from a mans perspective. I feel this journey has actually showed how a man became a DADDY, and the birth of a family. We have dealt with false alarms, scares, and the many moments of joy, frustration, and laughter. I am so ready to hold my wife's hand, and support her as she brings our daughter into this world. I am so proud of my wife and all that she has overcome during these past 9 months, and I know she's going to make a wonderful mother.
Tomorrow night my wife will be induced and our little Noelle will meet the world. I pray for the health of my wife and child and I am so excited for this next chapter in my life.... and I EXPECT it to be AMAZING.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

My Water Just Broke???

We are currently in our 36th week of my wife's pregnancy and the excitement and nerves continue to build everyday. Last Sunday was jenn's baby shower so now my house looks like a small version of Baby's R Us. The nursery is perfect, and my wife looks like she is ready to go at any moment. I have been spending all my free time putting together things and screaming at directions as if the manufacturer of GRECO could actually hear my cries for help. With that being said I am happy to say I am READY....everything is done and my wife definitely looks like shes going to explode at any moment. The thing is I have noticed that after the week 33 my wife gets tired doing everything. Getting dressed, walking, eating, talking, all earn a nap in this late stage of pregnancy...it's actually very cute. The other day I was bringing in the groceries and my wife started to help me put things away, within minuets she got winded and needed to sit down...and that's when she screamed "Sweetness my water broke" I would have thought I would have began running around the house looking for my keys, but ya see as we all know my lovely wife has a tendency to have FALSE ALARMS. I very calmly looked at my wife's slightly damp pants and said "why don't you go to the bathroom and check things out before we get all crazy". Within a few moments my wife exited the bathroom with her head down and said sorry false alarm...you see she sat in the chair and some water apparently spilled earlier and this was the cause for the alarm...I think she just pissed her pants, but we will never know. I was surprised by how calm I was...could it be I am finally just mentally prepared for the arrival of my little girl?
We have dealt with many false alarms throughout this experience remember the misread pregnancy test and the GAS? The truth is I have learned to take a breath with each moment and react accordingly...my god this experience has taught this man with A.D.D. a little patience...Holy freaking crap.
We are in the end stage of this experience of expecting, and we are embarking on a new experience called PARENTHOOD and both Jenn and I are very excited. The next time you read this blog the title will be "What To Expect When You Become A Dad" This father to be cant freaking wait.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The 7th Inning Stretch

We are now in our 32nd week of pregnancy and our 5th week of bed rest. The nursery is finished the books have been read and we are in the home stretch. The problem is just like when you where a child the night before Christmas its the LONGEST night EVER. We are at the time of the movie before the climax that we get up and go to the bathroom, or it's like the 7th inning stretch at a baseball game. With my wife being restricted to bed rest it makes the anticipation of my Noelle's birth just that much greater and I am starting to LOOSE my MIND. Every day my wife has cramps, or pains, or is bored and I just want my wife back, and my child to be safely brought into this world already. I use to NEVER drink beer, now I drink beer all the time with the neighborhood guys just to escape watching episode # 56 of a Baby's Story...my god how many C-sections, and screaming woman in stirrups can one man take? I am ready to be a father, and I am ready to kick this movie into OVERDRIVE already. The reason my blogs have slowed down is simply because we are in this slow anticipation portion of our journey. My wife doing cross stitch and getting high scores playing Bejewelled is simply just not very exciting. I will say that yesterday we went for a sonogram and Noelle is now 3 pounds, 11 oz and has her fathers chubby cheeks and her mothers full lips and is already breathtaking. I am like a child with ADD and patience has never been one of my strong points. I have to find something other then drinking beer to pass the time because a beer belly is not what I want to get out of this experience....any suggestions?????. Another thing to my guy readers...Try NOT to get your wife pregnant at a time when shes going to be 7 months in when its dead smack in the middle of the summer....TRUST ME a pregnant woman in a heatwave is NOT FUN. Soon we will be approaching the climax of our journey and I am sure this little boy with ADD will be occupied with plenty of action, but as for now we will be watching episode #57 of a Baby's Story...specfreakingtacular

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Having A Moment

My wife has been ordered to bed rest for the remaining weeks of her pregnancy. It has been two weeks since she has been home from the hospital and it already feels like an eternity. My wife and I are a very ACTIVE team and with one member down I feel like I am running out of steam and I just don't want to fail in the home stretch. Every day I leave for work and it kills me to leave her alone stranded on the couch. I went to the store and bought her some crafts for the baby and our first family photo album for her to start constructing. I just know she is scared, lonely, and very bored. I get how my wife is feeling and I know I need to be patient, sensitive, and most of all supportive....but, and this must sound selfish, but who is gonna support me? The truth is my job is more stressful then ever with more and more responsibilities and expectations mounting, and now I have this crucial 2nd job. I come home from work and instead of decompressing I am cooking, cleaning, and trying to be a good husband and caretaker. I know this is a small price to pay for the wonderful gift my wife is carrying, but I guess even men can have a moment. The thing is I am also scared, concerned, and excited, but with work, all the Dr's appointments, and taking care of everything I just don't have the time to fall a part. I feel like it has been one long day since that 1st night in the hospital 3 weeks ago. This is the first post I wont let my wife edit because I don't want her to know her strong man is feeling overwhelmed, but this blog has become my outlet and it makes me feel like someone is listening. So I am going to take a DEEP breath and let this MOMENT pass, because nothing compares to what my wife has to endure. I applaud all woman because you truly are the strong ones and I aspire to take the lead for this short time and carry the team to Victory. The truth is this is just gods way of preparing me for fatherhood and it's a position that both my heart and body must train very hard for. My nights of decompressing, and relaxing are over and I never can put my own needs ahead of my family's. The day's will continue and very soon I will meet my daughter and on that day this will all just be a small memory. I would like to thank all the people, especially my Mother In Law for their help and support...and Thank the few of you reading this blog for allowing me to have my MOMENT.
Just like my wife's battles with GAS the MOMENT is passing...:)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Four Day's Of HELL

My wife is currently just reaching her 26th week of pregnancy, so at this time your really not thinking about the possibility of going into labor. We spent last Saturday buying a carpet and things to decorate Noelle's nursery. That night we went to dinner with our friend Steve and my wife excused herself to use the rest room because she wasn't feeling well. When she exited the bathroom I knew something was very wrong because she was walking like a 90 year old woman who lost her walker and had major a flare up of hemorrhoid's. We decided immediately to go home so she could rest in hopes that whatever she was feeling would pass. The next morning I woke up and my wife had already called the Dr. and was packed and ready to go to the hospital...all I could think of was OH NO THE GAS IS BACK. We rushed to the hospital and went directly to the 4th floor which was for delivery. My wife went into the bathroom to put on her robe and get ready to be examined...as she walked out of the bathroom all the nurses said "STOP", ya see in my wife's agony she did not button up the robe and she was about to show everyone in delivery her VA JAY JAY, and La tushela. Once properly dressed they set her up in bed and was hooked up to all these different monitors...this began our FOUR DAYS OF HELL.
A few hours later the Dr came in to the room and my wife was still in horrible pain, the Dr said ok lets do a full exam...I said "OK I'm outta here" The Dr said from behind the curtain "all the guys leave at this point" I said "That's because we like to remember things down THERE as they use to be" The Dr. said "very good point". The curtain whipped open and he was ready to tell us the diagnoses, he said " Your having contractions and they are 2 minuets a part" This is not what you want to hear when your only at 26 weeks. Within minuets they hooked my wife up to every machine and started giving her meds to stop the contractions. This by far was one of the most horrible 48 hrs of my life...the baby was just not ready for this world, and the fear that something could happen to my wife or Noelle was unbearable...and there was NOTHING I could do. Finally the contractions slowed down and things were looking better so she was able to eat real food. I knew as my wife took a bite of her cheeseburger that something would go wrong...why would you serve a woman who has been on an IV for 2 days a cheeseburger? Within minuets my wife was feeling cramps again and worse then ever, all I could think was oh no its the contractions again. My wife sat up in bed and said "I'm going to be sick" The nurse hands me a small bed pan and within seconds it was like a scene from the Exorcist...she started vomiting everywhere. I held the small pan under her mouth and it filled up so quickly I screamed for help and was about to puke myself..my mother in law grabbed the ice bucket and that filled up...she was like an erupting volcano of vomit. Within moments I saw the color return to my wife's face and with that innocent voice she said "I feel better now" I on the other hand was covered in PUKE. After the vomit incident we thought we where in the clear...but then we heard the nurses say the baby was not as active as they would like...I immediately felt my heart breaking, and saw my wife was about to break down. All I could think of was our pink unfinished nursery and how it needed to be occupied. For the next 2 days I spent every minuet by my wife's side as they monitored the baby's little heartbeat. it's times like this that you realise emotionally how already in love you are with this baby, and the woman who is carrying her...the problem is as a man you feel so helpless, and all you can do is try and be strong and not totally break down. After another 2 days of monitoring they decided to release my wife to go home for a few months of bed rest. I am soooooo excited to be a provider, husband,father, and now nurse...I would do anything to make sure Noelle stays put a little bit longer and that my wife stays healthy.
The past 4 days definitely was a short visit to HELL, however it was the 1st issue my wife and I had to survive as a family. Spending those days by my wife's side and seeing her courage and strength was truly inspiring. We definitely came through this experience stronger as a couple, and better equipped to be a family. My wife and I certainly do know one conclusion...our little Noelle is going to be one perfect, beautiful, impatient pain in the little ASS... and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I would like to thank all of our friends and family for all the support and prayers during the last four days...we love you all.

Monday, May 31, 2010


In the past the preparation for Memorial Day weekend would start many weeks before the arrival of summer. The gym would be increased to 5 times a week, and the diet would consist of just protein and water. Memorial Day weekend for my group of friends meant you had to rock a tank top or bikini and party like a Hollywood movie star all weekend long. In the past about 20 of us would pack our best sunglasses and hitch rides out to the Hampton's to experience a beach side club called Neptune's. We would hop on line and spend a day in the sun drinking, and loving our youth...Those where the best days of my life...and then we step into that OTHER stage of life.
Memorial Day 2010
Friday night...Spent the night at home, my wife sleeping by 9:30pm.
Saturday...Went to Home Depot to buy paint and molding for the baby's room. Saturday night had people over to watch the UFC fight, my wife was sleeping by 10pm.
Sunday...went to our friends pool for a party...THE MAIN EVENT. My friends younger sister lives with my friends and is about 26...prime time. She had her friends over early and they where all pregaming before going to the Hampton's to party at Neptune's. I sat with them and we discussed all the crazy happenings of the Hampton's, and a part of me truly missed my crazy years of being young and care free and my only worry was how I would get home safe that night. My friends sister and her entourage left for the Hampton's around 2pm, and the rest of my friends guests started to arrive at our party...and it was like I stepped into a new and very different stage of my life...PARENTHOOD. By 3pm my friends yard was filled with baby's ranging from 3 months to 1 yrs old. Everywhere I looked I saw throw up, dirty diapers, strollers, and NOBODY was rocking their tank tops or bikini's...I looked at my very preggo wife and started to have a panic attack. I questioned weather I was ready to be a parent? While everyone was ooogling over these baby's I wanted to be dancing and drinking in a sea of drunks over looking the ocean...what was wrong with me???? I felt like I was stuck in between two stages of my life and I was having this internal battle trying to hold on to my youth. My wife saw me and grabbed my hand and said "I know how you feel, but it will be ok" Then I remembered, my wife use to be dancing and rocking her own bikini with me on that deck in the Hampton's. Now she is carrying something more beautiful then any sunny day, and I get to enter this new stage with the best woman in the world. The truth is watching all my friends juggle all their new families was overwhelming for the both of us and that's just normal. The reality is I spent many days partying it up like a rock star in many clubs and that was an amazing time in my life. Now I must look a head to a new future and family that I will get to encounter. I will be cleaning up throw up, and changing diapers on future Memorial Days..but I will still rock a tank top, and my wife will absolutely still rock her bikini, and Noelle will be sporting her own sunglasses...life will be just fine. One thing I will say is my daughter will NEVER be going to a club called Neptunes...because my wife and I wrote the BOOK she will be trying to read...NEVER :)
Happy Memorial Day Everyone

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Unlike most men I truly do enjoy shopping. It's not the actual act of shopping I love, rather I admit to enjoying new and exciting items. My wife makes fun of me because I can't pass up a Marshall's with a discounted Affliction T-shirt or Calvin Klein suit. The best SALE in my book is when something is FREE, which is why I do happen to LOVE the process of registering for a wedding or baby shower. I make it very well known that I would be in control of the Zapper which scans all of our choices. For our wedding I went NUTS and seriously pouted when I found out it was not appropriate to register at BEST BUY, or Circuit City...I'm sorry every new couple absolutely needs a 62 inch LCD flat screen TV. I settled for the very cool vacuum and blender at Bed Bath and Beyond, but I still think men should get their own type of shower maybe we can call it a POWER.
Last week I had the honor of going to Bye Bye Baby, and Baby's R Us with my wife and sister to register for the baby shower. I knew I needed to have some way of participating so I had to be the controller of the ZAPPER. With this POWER I went absolutely NUTS and drove my wife who is always practical crazy, and that always puts a smile on my face. It was like I was transformed into an infant in a toy store and I started ZAPPING everything cool. My child will not just have a pack and play she will have a pack and play 3000, she will have the best stroller, high chair, and OMG the toys..all I gotta say is I will even be entertained. By the end of the day my wife and sister where out of breath and I was feeding my shopping high ready to hit the next store...I even got myself a diaper bag called the Diaper DUDE...Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I know hours later my wife went home deleted some items online that I have ZAPPED, but what she does not know is I have the original print out and will adding my cool stuff back on that registry. The truth is most guy's would fight having to participate in this process, but if you pretend you where in a sporting goods store or electronic warehouse it really can be fun. I loved picking the most fun, safe, and cute items for my daughter, and pictured all the smiles they would produce for my Noelle. I will say this AMERICA...Buy Buy Baby, Best Buy, or Baby's R Us are more then welcome to send me my 62 inch 3D LCD flat screen TV for all the free advertising mentioned in this blog. For all the guys my advise is this...If we must go with our wives to either register for a wedding or baby shower make sure you, and only you, have the POWER of holding the ZAPPER and go absolutely NUTS.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The BabyMOON

Last Saturday I returned from a vacation or what people are now calling a BABYMOON. A babymoon is a new trend where couples plan a vacation before having their first baby. This is to enjoy the last moments alone as a couple without the worries of parenthood. I will say this to my few male readers DO NOT think your babymoon will resemble your Honeymoon, because at 22 weeks preggo it's a whole different type of vacation. We decided to return to the destination of our Honeymoon and go to Sandals in the Bahamas. On my Honeymoon my wife and I escaped back to our room every day for some LOVING and a nap....Babymoon I got lots of NAPS. we did try some loving on the first day, but after a certain point It just, well it feels strange when you know your baby is sharing your wife's body with you...so NAPS and snuggles became the new afternoon delight. On my honeymoon we soaked in the sun all day long...Babymoon your wife will last a few hours before she's uncomfortable and needs immediate air conditioning. Honeymoon we drank all day in the pool and met other drunken couples...Babymoon..virgin Pina Coladas and nobody wanted to talk to the knocked up sober couple. Honeymoon we wondered exotic islands and went on crazy adventures...Babymoon if it did not have a bathroom within a 15 foot radius it just wasn't possible.
I did experience something on my babymoon that I never experienced with any woman on any vacation...CONSTIPATION. After five days of bliss my wife started to feel uncomfortable and realised she has not been able to go to the bathroom. The pain and discomfort began to grow, and we know what happens to my beautiful wife when she's uncomfortable ( if you forgot go read the GAS blog again or rent FREE WILLY) We finally decided to go see the hotel nurse, who was a large and quite scary woman. The nurse said a word that will be sadly imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life... she said my wife needed an "ENEMA". My heart began to pound out of my chest and the beads of sweat started to pour out of my forehead when it hit me...I WOULD HAVE TO PERFORM THIS PROCEDURE ON MY WIFE. We both walked up to the pharmacy and not a word was exchanged when we purchased the DEVICE . It was as if we where two teenagers buying condoms for the first time for an afternoon romp. We finally reached our room and I laid on the bed as my wife prepared for the immediate release of pressure..then my wife called " Sweetness I'm ready". Usually those words coming from a beautiful woman in a hotel room was music to my years, but this was a totally different situation. I held my chest and took a deep breath as I walked around the corner to the bathroom. I grabbed the DEVICE closed my eyes, counted to three and performed the procedure. I had but moments to take cover before the explosion hit, and I ran to the bed and grabbed a pillow to drown out moans and screams...and then there was silence.
It took about 10 uncomfortable minuets before we could look at each other again, and we just started to laugh uncontrollably. It's definitely true LOVE when you can give your wife an ENEMA and still think she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
This Babymoon was definitely not like my Honeymoon, but it did give me some incredible and priceless moments to remember. I felt my baby girl move for the first time, I remembered what it's like to just cuddle with my wife. I saw just how beautiful a pregnant woman could be, and we reconnected as husband and wife, and became a family.
A babymoon is a wonderful thing...just make sure your wife eats lots and LOTS of PRUNES.
This Sunday, May 16th is our 2 year Anniversary and I just wanted to say to my wife who puts up with all these blogs that your husband

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I'm An Asshole

Through this experience I have disclosed some uncomfortable, sensitive, and wonderful moments of WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN SHE's EXPECTING. My wife has been an incredible sport and has had an amazing attitude of support and understanding when it comes to my new creative outlet of blogging. With that being said I need expose and reflect some uncomfortable moments of myself as well...So this week I was an admittedly an ASSHOLE. The truth is for the most part I try and be a good husband, I do laundry, I help cook, and I never disrespect my wife...but when your wife is Preggo I need to remember that good is not good enough. The truth is my wife is such a hard worker and is just not lazy so I forget she's working so much harder as she is carrying. This past weekend we decided to have a group of friends over for dinner. When we have company my wife goes into total HOST CRAZY MODE...everything must be cleaned, the food must be perfect, and with that comes CHORES. By no means was I sitting around watching TV while my wife prepared for our guests, but I probably could and should have done more. By the time the guests filled our empty house my poor wife was tired and physically exhausted, and I just didn't notice. I was overwhelmed with be a host that I also was insensitive and snapped at my wife over an undercooked steak. That moment the exhaustion and hormones took over and the tears filled my wife's hazel eyes... I was a total ASSHOLE. The truth is any other time the situation probably would not have phased either of us...BUT GUYS we can't forget that when your wife is carrying the most important gift in the world it is not just any other time. As usual my wife and I talked it out like we always do when we argue. By morning I was ready to change and step up my game, because GOOD is NOT good enough during pregnancy. I need to evolve with my wife and prepare myself for many years of extra patience and more love, so I need to start now with my wife.
Guys remember this: your wife is carrying the most important part of who you are. She is uncomfortable, self conscience, hormonal, sick, and usually is physically tired....This is the time to tell her you LOVE her, tell her how beautiful she is, and thank her for everything she is enduring....but most of all make sure you are her partner and help her every step of the way. When I saw those tears in my wife's eyes I realised I was the ASSHOLE...I learned that day I need to be a GREAT husband, because being just GOOD ended the day she said " Sweetness I'm Pregnant"

I need to tell you all I am going away on a BABYMOON next week to the Bahamas. I am sure I will have a great entry when I get back, but I will not be blogging while on vacation. See you all soon,
The Asshole :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The First NOEL

This morning at 8:30 am was my wife's 2nd level sonogram, and it was also the day I found out I was definitely going to be a father of a healthy baby girl. We found out that my wife was pregnant at Christmas and we love the holidays just as much as the Griswold's so it was fitting to name our little girl NOEL. A few weeks ago at our last sonogram they thought the baby may be a girl but her legs were crossed so it was hard to determine. This morning although her legs were still crossed a determination was made...ALL I could think was if I'm having a girl I AM VERY HAPPY SHE IS LEARNING TO KEEP HER LEGS CROSSED...this is one lesson best started in the womb. The truth is now that I know the sex I can see the future so much clearer . I truly am excited to be having a girl, because I know I am going to spoil her and she will always be daddy's little girl. I can't wait for all the treasures our future as a family will bring...HOWEVER, I am concerned if she will suspect her loving father when her Boyfriends keep mysteriously disappearing. I know that it's silly to think of this now, but being a guy I know what happens to daddy's little girl on an INNOCENT date with a boy..I will shoot them all in the balls and lock my little girl up until she is ready for marriage at 34.
OK With all that being said I would not change today for the world. I keep thinking of the movie "Father Of The Bride" and the bond a father can have with his little princess. It's strange now that I know the sex I feel the connection and anticipation has grown so much, and I cant wait to meet this beautiful little girl. She will be my first NOEL and the best gift any holiday could ever give. I hope she is the spitting image of my wife because then she will posses the features of a classic Hollywood actress . I hope she has my whit and humor and with a touch of kindness she will be simply PERFECTION...but she will learn early on how to KEEP THOSE PERFECT LEGS CROSSED and to always listen to her daddy. For now the Doctor says NOEL is about 12oz and is developing perfectly. My wife is on cloud nine and is feeling great, she is already mapping out all the things pink our little girl must have. We are half way to the day we get to meet our baby girl and now more then ever I can't wait to look into the eyes of our little NOEL.

Monday, April 5, 2010


About five years ago I persuaded my wife, then girlfriend to take a ride out east to visit a shelter for dogs. I always make it seem like we are just going to LOOK, yet we always end up leaving with exactly what I set my mind to get...In this case it was a BENTLEY. This Bentley does not have 4 wheels and a shiny exterior rather this one has 4 legs and a furry exterior. When we pulled up to the shelter we had it in our minds to just simply look at the puppies and see if one catches our eyes. We had to walk through all the older unwanted dogs in order to get to the puppies and it was then when my eyes set upon what would be my true first child. As soon as I look at this dog which seriously looks like a cartoon character with his over sized head, short legs, and huge paws I knew this was the misfit that I would have to adopt. At first my wife wanted to keep looking but this dogs eyes would not let go of my heart and I was sold. The dog was 2 years old and was a mix of lab, basset hound, and pit bull . This dogs appearence was as priceless as a brand new Bentley and so it was only fitting that Bentley was to be his name. We had to wait a few days to pick him up and my now wife was very sceptical of the arrival of our first child, but I knew this dog was special and he needed us to be his parents. Within a month Bentley became what my wife calls " Gods version of heaven on earth" she immediately fell in love just as I did with this perfect animal. It was like he knew we saved him and from the minute we picked him up he vowed to be be loving, loyal, and to keep us together as a family with every lick of his over sized tongue. The truth is it was this dog that saved my relationship with my now wife. About 2 months after the arrival of our child my now wife had began to face some difficult issues which led us to separate for a while. We decided to live in different places and take some time a part to reflect and think about our futures together. Bentley would stay with me and my wife would stop by from time to time to help out and doggy sit when I had to travel on business. The truth is time to time became weekends, and sometimes during the week my wife quite simply could not stand to be away from the dog. After a few months our mutual love for this dog actually brought us closer together and with time my wife and I fell in love all over again...all because of a dog refusing to loose another family. Within a year I proposed to my wife and our family would finally be complete and our dog was the most important thing in our lives and everyone knew it. The truth is this dog gives us his unconditional love and our biggest fear is the day when god decides to take his little piece of heaven back. I remember going to see the movie "Marley and Me" and in the theater my wife and I SOBBED uncontrollably for the entire last half hour of the movie, because we just thought of the day that Marley would be Bentley.
My wife is now 18 weeks pregnant and quite honestly if it wasn't for this dog with an over sized head and heart we never would have had this amazing gift of a baby which would truly complete this perfect family. I say my dog is my first child and I mean that, but I am so happy that my first baby will have the opportunity to grow up with Bentley as her first dog. My baby will know the reason why her mother and father's love was reconnected by a dog who refused to let us drift a part. She will know that Bentley set into motion the events that would help bring her into this world. Some may think my wife and I are a little bit strange because of how much we love our dog, but with that being said I can only imagine how much our hearts will grow the day we get to meet our baby. I can't wait to introduce NOEL to her dog BENTLEY, by the way did I mention I am going to have a baby girl? whats more perfect then a Boy and a Girl , even if the boy has 4 legs and a big head. I will always be in debt to this misfit of a dog for bringing my family back to me. Maybe he was sent from the heavens to help me my wife work out our issues because with his love we found ours again...and it was that love that created our little girl. So call it what you want, but as for me and my wife we truly do believe he is nothing short of a piece of heaven on earth...besides who wouldn't want a BENTLEY?

Sunday, March 28, 2010


This year the actress Monique won an academy award for her portrayal of an angry and mean woman in the movie PRECIOUS. I watched Precious with my wife who is now 16 weeks pregnant, during the scene when the angry hormonal woman went into a full on RAGE, I think I saw a small glimpse of my wife. I have decided that a new movie should be created called "PATIENCE". It will be about how pregnant woman can be just SO MEAN. I have decided to cast my wife in the lead part..and trust me my wife is sure to be an OSCAR contender for next years award season.
The truth of it all is my wife has completely lost her ability to have any sort of PATIENCE during her pregnancy. I feel bad for the waiter that does not bring her food out quick enough, or the person checking us out at the grocery store, or the poor 82 year old woman who is not driving fast enough in front of us. My wife turns into Roseanne Bar during a hot flash and all holy hell breaks out in a moments notice. I can see it in her eyes...it's the same look she always gets just before her period (Boy's you know this look all to well) Her eyes seem to glass over and the woman I loved quickly vanishes, and her evil twin emerges from the depths of her psyche. She becomes Arnold Shwartzeneger in the TERMINATOR killing anything in its path to get to Sarah Conner...I have become Sarah Connor and I am fighting for my life and running from forces that are beyond any man's control...HORMONES. I have learned that the only way to defeat this evil is to fight back with its one true weakness and in my wife's case that weakness is PATIENCE. I have learned that if I don't fuel the evil with a reaction that in moments my wife will fight her way back into her body and regain her sanity. I know this is something that's expected during pregnancy, but I'm sorry this is something no man can be fully prepared for. A couple of survival tips I have picked up are: First: the woman can't help these moments of anger, so don't fight back. Second; remember this woman is carrying your child so try not to make her upset because anger can quickly turn into tears and the last thing you want to see is a pregnant woman crying. Third, and final rule protect the people around you...if you see the evil start to come over your wife quickly divert her from the public because the 82 year old woman, or the waiter will not understand why this woman is wigging out on them. I have to remember that my wife is processing many things through this pregnancy and when she loses her patience I have to learn how to make patience my primary mode of survival.
I can only hope that when my wife is accepting her OSCAR that she will take a moment to thank her husband for adapting to her many different characters both good and evil. The truth is my wife has many pregnant personalities, but I have learned to accept and love each and every one of them...but when Medusa comes through remember to close your eyes and hold your breath because she could turn you stone with one hormonal evil look. Most of all remember to have PATIENCE, because without patience the HORMONES will be victorious and that's one battle I just don't want to loose.

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Spell

Today one of my best friends delivered their first baby girl. This new lovely baby is one of five girls the stork has delivered this year alone. It is said that the guys in my group have a been put under a spell and will all be the fathers of beautiful girls. The reason this spell was cast upon our friends was because most of the boys in their day were self proclaimed womanizers. Now all the guys would have to face the familiar WOLVES that will eventually be calling upon their daughters. We would KNOW exactly what that suitor was really thinking when they call you SIR and shake your hand. This spell seems to increase with the number of baby girls depending on how big of a womanizer you had been in your past. What could break this curse? Who will end up having the boy? If you remember in my past blog I said I was the fat kid in high school and all the girls wanted me as a friend rather then a love interest. I did have a few years where my friends started to rub off on me, but for the most part I always tried to be a gentleman with woman. With that being said if I had a boy he would be the LUCKIEST son of a bitch come puberty. He would have the opportunity to grow up around all these beautiful daughters, my son could become the wolf in a field full of beautiful lambs.
The truth is IF I had a son he would learn early on to treat girls with respect and dignity. I know that in my situation I found an amazing beautiful woman because I knew how she should be treated and now I am the one with THE HOT CHICK.
Before my wife got preggo I always said I needed to have a BOY. I think every guy wants to have their legacy carried on through new generations. I wanted the opportunity to guide my boy through sports, girls, and manhood. The day I heard the heartbeat of my unborn baby all of that changed. At this point I truly have no preference if I have a boy or a girl. All I want is to have a healthy child and to be the best dad I can be. This amazing spell that was casted over my friends is a true gift. These men have been bewitched by these beautiful baby girls and are loving every minute of it. So cast whatever spell you wish I welcome either pink or blue and can't wait for the moment I get to meet my child. Today is a wonderful day because my friend met his baby girl for the first time and I can't wait to see them be parents. My time is coming and if I have a GIRL she will be born into a wonderful group of girlfriends. If I have a BOY well then karma is a bitch and I will watch him HOWL like a wolf....naaaa he will just have a lot of girls around him with VERY protective FATHERS and he will learn early on how a woman should be treated.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Boy's Night Out

As we emerge into the 2nd trimester of What To Expect When She's Expecting we have shared the many experiences of laughter, tears and the lessons my wife and I have been discovering together. One lesson every couple should learn is when to give each other some space. We have been immersed into this life of morning sickness, hormones,excitement, and fear. These emotions have lead to some definite moments of frustration. I think it's best to take a step back at these times and give each other some space. When my father in law offered to take my wife to Atlantic City it presented the perfect opportunity for us all. My wife has sort of a gambling problem that has been passed down from her father. It has been said that the first noise my wife reacted to in her moms belly where the bells of a winning slot machine. It's this sound of bells that still makes my wife as excited as a little girl who just received her first toy doll. My wife has said that if she should die she requests that her ashes be dispersed among the many ash trays next to the slot machines in Atlantic City....do you now see how she has a problem? The truth is my wife doesn't spend money on new shoes, or expensive clothes and bags. To make my wife truly happy she just needs to hear the bells of a casino every few months. When her father asked to go to AC I pushed my wife to go and said it would be good bonding time with her father and I would stay home to save money and take care of the dog's. The truth is we needed some time a part and I needed a BOY'S NIGHT OUT.
This year alone 6 of our friends have either had a baby or are awaiting their first child. I knew it would be easy to convince these new or expecting fathers to a much needed Guy's night out. In the past a guys night out consisted of a trendy club, great music and velvet ropes. We usually got home at around 5am and we paid with blood from our wives or girlfriends. We never did anything bad we just where loud, funny, and obnoxious...BOYS. When boys become FATHERS things tend to change quickly. I sent my wife off with her dad and spent the day in boxers watching stupid T.V. and drinking beers it was wonderful. The BOYS NIGHT OUT was planned and I was excited not to hear or think about babies or hormones for just one night. The evening would not consist of a club, but rather a local bar and the meeting time was set for 6:30....WTF. In the past I would be napping at 6:30 to be ready for a long Saturday night, now it was the kick off time? We did drink beers and we definitely were loud as we reminisced of our crazy times in Las Vegas, and South beach. It was around 9pm when the unthinkable happened...the cell phones came out and like a bunch of woman we oohed and ahhhed over the latest baby pics. All of these big macho guys turned into a sentimental bunch of hormones like the one I just shipped off to A.C., including myself. The truth is our lives are evolving boy's have become men ,and men are becoming FATHERS the playing field has definitely changed. We had a great time and I was home passed out by 12am. My wife, well that was a different story. While I was subjected to the mans version of " A Baby's Story" my wife was living it up on the east coasts version of SIN CITY. The truth is by the time my wife walked in the door I had truly missed her and all of her pregnant issues. It turned out she hit a jackpot and she bought our baby's very first outfit, which was a onsie with triple sevens on the front. I have a feeling my baby would also now recognize the bells of a winning slot machine. I can only hope that I have the same relationship with my child as my wife has with her father....even if it does involve the small addiction of slot machines.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Paternal Clock

A few years ago my biggest concern was how many days I would be able to hit the gym. My diet consisted of protein shakes and lean meat and a piece of bread meant an extra 45 minuets of cardio. I was never very good at sports but I looked like an athlete and I felt great about how I looked and felt. I had no real worries and my life was about my career and what club I would be going to on Friday night. On one Aug day about 2 years ago I broke my leg in three places and needed immediate surgery. When I woke up after surgery I was not able to move my right foot, I later found out that 85% of the use of my foot may never return. At that time I learned to cope with the things that would now restrict me like running, dancing, or being able to go to the gym. I walk with a slight limp but my life didn't stop, I don't think about my restrictions I just face reality and adapted to the situation. A few week's ago I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time I felt a paternal clock start to tick.
I started to feel these different emotions of sadness, anger , and I was conflicted. I realised I suppressed and took for granted the simple things that I no longer can do. Now I keep thinking about how my condition will affect my unborn child. I remember my dad teaching me to ride a bike , teaching me to play baseball and carry me on his shoulders. These are the memories I didn't think of to much as an adult, but now that I'm going to be a dad I understand how valuable those moments truly are. I no longer think about protein shakes and the gym, I worry about tripping on my own foot and the daily pain in my leg is a reminder of my accident. The reason I'm conflicted is because the day I heard that heartbeat I started to think about all the things that I want to do as a father. I want to run around in a field with my child, or dance with my baby, or carry my child on my shoulders without worrying about tripping. Will this accident rob me of those gifts? Will my child not be able to have the memories that I treasured? My accident for the first time is making me angry, because it's making me question my capabilities as a dad. I may not have been the best athlete growing up but I NEVER sat on the sidelines of life, and now I feel like I'm being forced to sit out on the best part of the game. I'm conflicted with the restrictions this accident has done to me, but I REFUSE to let anything steal a single moment of the gift of fatherhood. I may not be able to carry my child on my shoulders, but I will never let go of that child's hand. I may not be able to run and play baseball, but I will never miss a game. I will find a way to dance with my child. I will NOT sit this game out, rather I will find a way to be the MVP of this child's life. I am faced with the challenge that will transform me from a man into an amazing father. Some of you who read this blog know me well, some of you are getting to know me through this blog. The truth is this blog is helping me in many ways to in vision myself as more then just a man, but as a father to be.
My paternal clock started to tick the day I heard my baby's heartbeat. This means father hood starts NOW. I've been called into the game and I need to play better then ever before in my life. I have about seven months to condition myself physically and mentally to be the best I can be, despite my small challenges. My life is a gift, and the life that I am creating is the biggest gift life has to offer. I feel like a child on Christmas morning and this is one gift I can't wait to open, and this is one game where the bench is NOT an option. There may be some games I can't play, but then those will be the moments that my child will call me COACH.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I remember as a kid watching either a news show or movie about the many riots during the Vietnam war during the 60's. It was always the image of military soldiers throwing gas grenades into a crowd of young protesters that stuck in my mind. Everyone at the scene would either run frantically or pass out from the terrible odor. I feel the military should invest and start planting pregnant woman in these riots undercover, because let me tell you one of my wife's SBD's = SILENT BUT DEADLY, could easily act as a new and deadly military weapon. I am now experiencing in week 13 that with my wife's many mood swings and deadly gas that she is starting to resemble the ever so terrifying TOXIC AVENGER.
The truth is GAS was always my specialty in my household. I have the ability to use many muscles to create what I call love serenades for my wife. This tends to only happen in the privacy of our home and these serenades sound gross but they really don't smell all that bad. The situation with my wife is completely the opposite her little queefs could seriously destroy anything within a 20 foot radius...they are deadly. The terrifying thing is as this pregnancy progresses these SBD's are now happening at anytime or anyplace...its truly horrifying. This past Sunday we had been doing our usual food shopping when rite there in the middle of the produce isle out of nowhere this god awful smell reaches my nostrils. I knew immediately my wife had detonated another SBD. The funny thing is she tries to act as if she didn't release this certified chemical weapon and continues on her merry way down the isle. The worst is when we are driving, you see we are in the middle of winter and the windows need to be sealed shut. As we are both having a discussion about what type of crib we may want all of a sudden the TOXIC AVENGER strikes in full force. I was a victim with no place to go and no air and thought that I might lose consciousness while driving my child appropriate SUV . We have just received a notice from the town commissioner stating our taxes have increased due to the many complaints about a fowl odor that was coming from our house. In another blog I will talk about the many different foods and abundance of it that my wife has been ingesting, but it certainly is a clue to the toxic stench which is produced within wife's tiny body.
I understand that this is something that happens to many pregnant woman, but I feel as if someone has taken my much deserved title away from me. My wife is now the reigning champion of FARTING. Men be AWARE and WARN your loved ones that a pregnant woman is most likely the host to the worlds most deadliest chemical weapon and its called the PSBD=Pregnant Silent But Deadly.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Sleeping Beauty

My wife is a very beautiful women, but during her first trimester she is most beautiful when she is SLEEPING. One of my best friends gave me some of the best advise I have received thus far. He said " When your wife is tired encourage her to sleep and treausre this time ,because these are the last moments you will ever have to yourself"

At first I would make fun of my wife because all she wanted to do was sleep. She would get home from work eat dinner and by 8:30 would be in bed and hitting REMS sleep by 8:45. Now I encourage her to sleep because this is the time when I can feel like a man again. I can watch whatever I want on TV, I can play my Wii uninterrupted and simply enjoy some moments of silence. During the many endless hours when my wife is upon the living she tends to have many personalities, some good, most scary, but when she is at rest she is like a princess in a fairy tale. My wife becomes like the characters they use to adore as children, like SNOW WHITE... Warning Prince Charming don't DARE kiss her...just let her sleep, and SLEEPING BEAUTY, again Mr. Prince leave well enough alone, because if you wake her you will unlock an evil you never thought possible.
The minute the first yawn comes out of my wife's mouth I start planning the nights activities. It could be an action movie, it could be this blog, I can catch up on work, download music, whatever it may be I know I will be safe because the woman who was once your wife is sound a sleep. I have heard that this wonderful gift will vanish over time and my wife will become restless and unable to sleep...this is a cruel cruel progression, and I ask you all to pray for my well being. For now I treasure the words" I'm going to bed sweetness" and I let the games begin.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Heart Beat

The day I graduated from college
The day I made love for the first time
The day I proposed
The day I married my wife
These have been my most defining moments thus far. Today I had a moment that not only defined me as a man, but defined me as a father. Today was the day I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time.
At 8:15am this morning my wife and I had our 3rd sonogram and this time instead of just a flickering light, we could actually hear this amazing fast and strong heartbeat. I was watching this amazing creature with it's developing arms, legs, eyes, and most of all the sound of this beating beautiful heart. At this moment I looked into my wife's eyes, and in their reflection it was the first time I saw myself as a father. This heartbeat represented a personality that I will help develop. This heartbeat will support the laughter that I will help create. This heartbeat represented a love so strong that only my wife and I could have created. This heartbeat represented a love that I have never felt before in my entire life...this was a love a father could only have for his child.
I have had so many defining moments in my life that have contributed towards me becoming a good man.
Today at 8:15 am I had my first defining moment as not just a man, but as a father. It was the moment I heard my baby's beautiful heart beating...a BABY that was created with the love of a man and a women, but a life that will flourish with the LOVE of a mommy and DADDY.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


To my very few followers and friends. I will be taking the weekend off from my blog. I will give the new comers time to catch up. Please feel free to leave comments, all opinions will help drive future blogs and point of views. Have a great weekend everyone.
The Guide
The preggo wife is feeling just grand this weekend and has developed a love for double fudge brownies...God Help Us All.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Circle

I would like to take a moment to apologize for last nights blog. It was late and I apparently did not proof read appropriately. I did say in blog one that my grammar and spelling was in no way up to par with the literary standards of publishing, so please just rate the actual content. I will in the future try and not blog late at night...late is after 9pm for me now...what happened?

The Circle

My wife and I have this little saying that we always remind each other of and that saying is that our love is like a CIRCLE. We say this after fights, when we are laughing, and to just remind ourselves that we are one unit. The meaning of the CIRCLE is that no matter where we are in the circle good or bad we will always be connected. I know this is cheeezy, but it's a great reference point for us in our relationship and this blog. Remember when I am discussing my wife's personal experiences that we are in this together- we are a CIRCLE...so laugh and enjoy on both our accounts.

At week 6 of our pregnancy we finally had the opportunity to meet with the Dr. and get our 1st Sonogram. The appointment was at 5:15, and I was sick to my stomach the entire day. It was raining relentlessly and I called my wife to remind her of our wedding day. On our wedding day it rained non stop all day, but even so it was the most amazing day of both our lives. Whenever it rains like it did on that May day we remind each other that monsoons in our case is a wonderful thing. The day of our sonogram was a monsoon. I met my wife at the Dr's office, I was wet and scared and felt like this could either be wonderful, or it could go bad. The nurse asked us to please come to back and wait in the little examination room for the sono tech. We waited for about 20 min. but it felt like hours. I decided to roll around on the chair, and play with some phallic instruments to help my wife relax. Apparently, relaxing is hard to do when your in a robe and your legs are in stirrups, so I could see she was getting annoyed. The sono tech knocked and entered the room, I quickly rolled back to my original position and reminded myself it's time to act like an adult. The woman had dark short hair and was not entirely friendly. She explained what she was going to do and got rite to business. At that moment I grabbed my wife's hand and looked directly into her hazel eyes and tried to be confident and strong. The woman inserted the instrument and immediately an image came up on the small monitor. We didn't know that the tech is really not allowed to speak and that it takes time to find the image needed for our results. I saw the tears start to well up in my wife's eyes, and she kept looking at me to see if I was able to see anything, and at the time I saw nothing. Just as my wife and I were about to completely com bust, the short haired lady turned the monitor towards us. It was a feeling that I never encountered before in my entire life. I squeezed my wife's hand and together we saw the image of our unborn child for the 1st time. The sono tech pointed out the heart beat and said everything looked just fine and the heart rate was 120 beats per minute. At that moment it hit me that I was really going to be a dad, and I too started to cry. I hugged my wife so tight, and at that moment more then ever I knew we would always and forever be a CIRCLE.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Paranoid Wife=Manic Husband

My wife has worked in the ER at a major hospital for many years. I have learned that her exposure to all the horrible things she has seen has made her a little bit paranoid. If my wife has a headache it some how becomes a tumor, if her body aches it could be MS, if her glands are swollen it could be cancer...do you get the point? The truth is my wife is a very strong woman in so many way's, but when it comes to any sort of pain or discomfort, well she's one big girly WIMP.
I said in my first blog that we have witnessed a few friends have some major complications with pregnancy's. I think this jaded us both and we too felt we could be victims to something tragic as well. Ever since that amazing scream from the bathroom we have been trying emotionally prepare ourselves for the worst The reality is from the min we found out she was preggo we had already fell in love with the prospect of this treasure that's was size of a poppy seed. With that being said, every little cramp, ache, or slight discomfort upset my wife. I have seen my wife in many uncomfortable and compromising positions, but nothing prepared me for the night she had the dreadful undeniably painful and debilitating GAS.
It was 5:15 on the Monday of her 8th week of pregnancy. I was home doing some work and I heard my wife's car pull into the garage. From the garage I could hear something that sounded like a terrible moaning which got louder as she approached the door to the house. All I could think was what terrible disease or condition could we be dealing with this evening? When my wife stepped in the door she was hunched over as if someone had slugged her in the stomach and was holding her side and making a sound I could have sworn I heard in the movie Free Willy. She looked up at me with this look of terrible pain and threw her self down on the couch whaling in pain. I rushed to her side and asked what was wrong but nothing could have prepared me for her response "I feel like my insides are being ripped out" At that very moment I thought to myself " I bet this is going to be bad GAS" I told my wife to call her OB and lay down for a bit and if the pain did not let up we would go the ER. Well all of five minutes had passed by and we where in the car going 90 to get to the closest hospital. At this time my wife went from Free Willy to the stomach explosion scene from ALIENS. I have never seen anything like it, and now I was starting to think this could be more then GAS. The moaning was loud, the tears where flowing and her face looked like it was transforming into a wherewolf...It was quite scary. We pulled up to the ER and I jumped out of the car to help my wife out and left the car and basically carried her into the ER. At this point I was starting to emotionally condition myself for this most tragic evening of my entire life...a miscarriage. As I left my wife to go park the car and the tears I saw coming from my wife had started to roll down my cheek as well. I thought this was it our little seed didn't make it. By far it was the most horrible feeling I have ever encountered, but now it was time for me to be strong and get ready to be my wifes support system. I called my mother in law and asked her to please meet us in the ER. I ran back to the waiting room to sit with my wife and as I was making my way to her I see all these people with open wounds, evident broken bones, and a lot of blood. I pushed and shoved to sit next to my wife who was making the biggest scene of anyone in the crowded room. She looked up at me and said " Sweetness this is not good " I knew what she meant by the statement but I just replied " we will be fine I promise" Then we heard the nurse call our names to the front of the ER, and they rushed her to the back where she could be treated. At this time my mother in law had just arrived and the Dr was on his way to examine the very expressive patient. The Dr asked some general questions like" wheres the pain?" My wife replied " MY UTERUS IS BEING RIPPED OUT" the Dr. then asked " Is this your first pregnancy?" at the time I didn't understand why they kept asking that question, but later that night I figured it out. They told my wife they where going to perform a sonogram on her and they would be coming to transport her to the Xray room. My mother in law and I where trying our best to console my wife, but the pain was to great and the entire triage area seemed to be looking at us wondering what could be going on inside my wifes body..I'm telling you rent ALIENS the scene when the alien is ripping itself out of the body of the woman was exactly the scene my wife was portraying. Finally the nurse from sono came to transport my wife for her sonogram, the nurse also examined my wife and asked the same question " Is this your 1st pregnancy?" I was not aloud to go into the sono room with my wife, and that killed me. I stared at that door for what seemed like an hour and prayed as hard as I could that both my wife and my growing poppy seed would be ok...and then the door opened. They rolled my wife out of the room and as she passed me I grabbed her hand, she looked up at me and with this tortured look and said " The baby is fine". At that moment I felt such a releif, but then I thought, well then what could be causing my wife such pain,? I mean was this like Renesme growing at a rapid rate tearing up the inside of poor Bella like in the Twilight book? Then it hit me THIS WAS ALL GAS. The reason everyone kept asking if this was my wifes 1st pregnancy was because many 1st timers mistake this ramped GAS for something terrible. They rolled my little Oscar winner back to her little room in the crowded ER and we where waiting for the OB resident to advise us of what to do. After about an hour, my wifes tortured cries began to fade and for a minute their was silence...and then it happend....the loudest fart I have ever heard in my life. My mother and law and I both jumped up and turned around. The entire waiting area that had been watching my wife in such pain now had been staring because of entirely different type of noise. Then it came again and this one was like a minor earthquake rite in the middle of the ER...she ripped another one. All I could say was "OH MY GOD" and my mother in law said "JENNIFER" At that moment my wifes pale face began to turn rosy pink, and she sat up with a sigh of releif and said "OH MY" It was like looking at a little girl who had accidently peed herself, she was so innocent and joyful to be out of such pain. That was the night I spent six hours in the ER because of GAS.
The truth is I would not change any of my actions that night no matter how paranoid my wife always is, but I learned something very valuable...pregnant woman have some pretty damn bad GAS. I have decided to make GAS a very important character in this journey. I promise you GAS will be joining us in many forms and it's deffinately something to" Expect When SHE's Expecting"...FREE WILLY my ass the AlIEN in my wifes stomach turned out to be just a pocket full of HOT AIR.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Hot Chick

Back in high school I was always fortunate to hang out with the hot chicks. I was not voted best looking nor was I the jock or mysterious artist guy. I was the nice funny fat kid that the girls just wanted to be friends with....Yea it was a cruel joke. While I was thinking about getting to 2nd base they wanted to cry on my shoulder about the last boy who broke up with them. The truth is I vowed to never settle and knew that one day I would have the HOT CHICK. Thankfully, after high school I discovered the gym and a little bit of confidence ultimately my nice inside caught up with my outside. I was at a friends wedding and was drinking one of the many vodka sodas I had chugged back that night and noticed this very very HOT CHICK. After drink number nine I decided to approach this beautiful girl and start a conversation .That was the night that I met my wife Jenn. On our first date I arrived at her door with sunflowers and we had a date that neither of us wanted to end. I use to call Jenn my Audrey Hepburn, because she has this classic look that only a movie star could possess. My wife has long spiral curls, hazel green eyes, and a smile that's resembles Julia Roberts. No matter what she wears her figure can make it look like it was fit for the runway. I didn't settle I ended up marrying the hot Chick, the best part was she also had an inside that matched her outside. I am not trying to turn this into a sappy love story, but knowing this background will only make the blogs to come that much more funny and honest. I want you all to hold on to this first description because after you get a woman pregnant incredible transformations start to happen almost immediately....and you may question ...What Happened To The Hot Chick? The truth is my wife is more beautiful to me now then ever, but some changes are a happening and I'm just saying prepare yourselves. The well put together perfect woman will start to look like they got left out in a bad wind storm, and she can be soooooo mean. Those perfect spiral curls are starting to resemble the angry Greek goddess Medusa, and trust me I have at moments turned to stone. Her amazing smile transforms into the mighty roar of an angry lion, and her eyes they seem to glass over into a rage that could shatter any mirror. These are the wonderful moments you have to look forward to...oh did I mention my wife is only in her 11th week of pregnancy? Like I said earlier hold on to that classic beauty because Audrey Hepburn is starting to resemble Freddy Krueger " 1,2 Freddy's coming for you, 3-4, better lock your door, 5-6...well you get the picture.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Apparently when you take a pregnancy test the results can never really be a false/positive, however a false negative is possible. I wish someone had explained these little facts to my wife during the time we where trying. Just like the boy who cried wolf my wife apparently was pregnant every month until we got a true positive reading. If a symptom associated with getting preggo was to be had my wife had it every month...such as "My boobies hurt, I feel so tired, I'm so nauseous, I'm starving" Yet, just as every day ends in Y my wife got her period. I believe it is also a known fact that you should wait until after your late to take a pregnancy test, well my wife seemed to think that she should taker her test early just for kicks. When the test came back negative well then she would take another test a day after her scheduled friend was suppose to arrive..I truly believe the brand EPT stocks increased quite significantly during the year of us trying. I will never forget the time my mother was visiting us from South Carolina and they both had each other convinced this time she was really pregnant. So my wife jumps up runs to CVS and buys yet another test. I was sitting downstairs watching TV when I hear screaming coming from the upstairs bathroom " IT'S POSITIVE ". My mother and I jumped up and ran up the stairs to meet my wife standing in the bathroom in nothing but a towel. I have never seen a pregnancy test but as soon as I looked at the test I pretty much knew that the symbol in front of me was not a pink cross. My wife apparently thought the control line on top and the negative line on the bottom constructed a perfect positive sign...like I said false/positive. As you can imagine I started to become numb to all of my wife's false alarms. It was Christmas this past year we had a good month of trying and it was almost time to get her period. I begged her to not take another preggo test until she was truly late. I just wanted to enjoy my holiday without the possible disappointment of another false alarm. Do you think she listened um NOPE. I woke up Christmas morning and could tell by her fake smile that she had taken a test and it came back negative. I was truly disappointed I even thought this time my boys had finally made contact but I guess not. Two day's after Christmas my wife was feeling tired and sick she told me she was going to the store to get some Tylenol . My wife quietly slipped in the door and said she was going upstairs to take a nap. Ten minuets later I hear her screaming "SWEETNESS I'M PREGNANT" I must admit I didn't jump or get excited I calmly walked upstairs to witness yet another false/positive. When I looked at the test it was different this time one dark pink line was crossing over another faint pink line. Could this be real? Is it possible that even after her first test was negative 2 days earlier that she could really be preggo? YES it's possible that's why you should wait till after your late to take a test. After the many month's of mind games I needed more proof I needed a digital test no more pink lines. We ran to the store and purchased another test. I saved that digital word that said POSITIVE and keep it by my bathroom mirror just to remind myself every morning of the best day of my life....the day my wife was really pregnant.
So now it starts "What To Expect When She's Expecting"

Monday, February 15, 2010

The story of why

I would like to start by saying that this is the first time I have ever written anything for the public to see. I am not a writer hell, I never received more then a C+ in any English class. So this blog will not be an example of good grammar or any kind of a literary masterpiece. What this blog will provide is a rare glimpse to the male perspective and " What To Expect When SHE'S Expecting" The truth is some woman may not appreciate this point of view so I would like to say this to all the woman up front...I understand that the 9 months of pregnancy takes a huge toll on you emotionally, mentally, and physically, and I appreciate and admire you all...especially my amazing wife. The truth is woman have many points of reference and survival guides to help map out this rare and amazing adventure, but us MEN? We have no compass, no map to guide us through this rollercoster. We are blind we are confused and we have no idea what is going on inside the woman we love. I have already experienced many extraordinary moments of fear, excitement, confusion, total humor, and great uncertainty. This is why at week 10 of my wife's pregnancy I have decided to document my journey and maybe help one guy have a map of my experiences to help them through this remarkable time. For the woman, well you can now see how us guys are feeling and now get a rare glimpse of what we are truly thinking, welcome to the boys club ladies hold on tight.
HOW IT ALL BEGAN a little HIS-story
My wife and I have been happily married for almost 2 years. We decided to become homeowners last year and as many people can relate once your over 30 the world around you starts to have children. My wife and I decided to also embark on the idea of parenthood...well outside of our first baby our dog Bently. We have been trying for about a year with not much luck. We unfortunately had witnessed so many couples have either failed attempts or terrible losses. It's funny when we are 17 we try everything in our power to not get a girl pregnant, but when we are in our 30's we have a window of one hour within one day to create your legacy...what the hell is that all about? Like everyone else we did the ovulation tests, quit smoking, and tried to have fun in the process, but no luck. Then came the dreadful day, my trip to the UROLOGIST. Let me tell you guys this was one appointment I wish I had missed. I was probed, touched, and I felt like I was part of a bad lifetime movie and needed a shower immediately. The good news was after 3 calls to the lab and one annoyed Dr. I was finally given my results..." Your counts are perfect" I must say and this is the truth it was a moment of personal victory. My wife's results came back with positive results as well. With that being said the loving couple had the green lite to reproduce...trust me going to the DMV and taking your road test blind folded is easier then knocking up your wife. I have blogged enough for one night. This was chapter one ladies and GENTS. Next time we talk about false/positives, and the scream I will never forget "I'M PREGNANT SWEETNESS"
See you soon,