PATIENCE

This year the actress Monique won an academy award for her portrayal of an angry and mean woman in the movie PRECIOUS. I watched Precious with my wife who is now 16 weeks pregnant, during the scene when the angry hormonal woman went into a full on RAGE, I think I saw a small glimpse of my wife. I have decided that a new movie should be created called "PATIENCE". It will be about how pregnant woman can be just SO MEAN. I have decided to cast my wife in the lead part..and trust me my wife is sure to be an OSCAR contender for next years award season.
The truth of it all is my wife has completely lost her ability to have any sort of PATIENCE during her pregnancy. I feel bad for the waiter that does not bring her food out quick enough, or the person checking us out at the grocery store, or the poor 82 year old woman who is not driving fast enough in front of us. My wife turns into Roseanne Bar during a hot flash and all holy hell breaks out in a moments notice. I can see it in her eyes...it's the same look she always gets just before her period (Boy's you know this look all to well) Her eyes seem to glass over and the woman I loved quickly vanishes, and her evil twin emerges from the depths of her psyche. She becomes Arnold Shwartzeneger in the TERMINATOR killing anything in its path to get to Sarah Conner...I have become Sarah Connor and I am fighting for my life and running from forces that are beyond any man's control...HORMONES. I have learned that the only way to defeat this evil is to fight back with its one true weakness and in my wife's case that weakness is PATIENCE. I have learned that if I don't fuel the evil with a reaction that in moments my wife will fight her way back into her body and regain her sanity. I know this is something that's expected during pregnancy, but I'm sorry this is something no man can be fully prepared for. A couple of survival tips I have picked up are: First: the woman can't help these moments of anger, so don't fight back. Second; remember this woman is carrying your child so try not to make her upset because anger can quickly turn into tears and the last thing you want to see is a pregnant woman crying. Third, and final rule protect the people around you...if you see the evil start to come over your wife quickly divert her from the public because the 82 year old woman, or the waiter will not understand why this woman is wigging out on them. I have to remember that my wife is processing many things through this pregnancy and when she loses her patience I have to learn how to make patience my primary mode of survival.
I can only hope that when my wife is accepting her OSCAR that she will take a moment to thank her husband for adapting to her many different characters both good and evil. The truth is my wife has many pregnant personalities, but I have learned to accept and love each and every one of them...but when Medusa comes through remember to close your eyes and hold your breath because she could turn you stone with one hormonal evil look. Most of all remember to have PATIENCE, because without patience the HORMONES will be victorious and that's one battle I just don't want to loose.