PATIENCE

This year the actress Monique won an academy award for her portrayal of an angry and mean woman in the movie PRECIOUS. I watched Precious with my wife who is now 16 weeks pregnant, during the scene when the angry hormonal woman went into a full on RAGE, I think I saw a small glimpse of my wife. I have decided that a new movie should be created called "PATIENCE". It will be about how pregnant woman can be just SO MEAN. I have decided to cast my wife in the lead part..and trust me my wife is sure to be an OSCAR contender for next years award season.
The truth of it all is my wife has completely lost her ability to have any sort of PATIENCE during her pregnancy. I feel bad for the waiter that does not bring her food out quick enough, or the person checking us out at the grocery store, or the poor 82 year old woman who is not driving fast enough in front of us. My wife turns into Roseanne Bar during a hot flash and all holy hell breaks out in a moments notice. I can see it in her eyes...it's the same look she always gets just before her period (Boy's you know this look all to well) Her eyes seem to glass over and the woman I loved quickly vanishes, and her evil twin emerges from the depths of her psyche. She becomes Arnold Shwartzeneger in the TERMINATOR killing anything in its path to get to Sarah Conner...I have become Sarah Connor and I am fighting for my life and running from forces that are beyond any man's control...HORMONES. I have learned that the only way to defeat this evil is to fight back with its one true weakness and in my wife's case that weakness is PATIENCE. I have learned that if I don't fuel the evil with a reaction that in moments my wife will fight her way back into her body and regain her sanity. I know this is something that's expected during pregnancy, but I'm sorry this is something no man can be fully prepared for. A couple of survival tips I have picked up are: First: the woman can't help these moments of anger, so don't fight back. Second; remember this woman is carrying your child so try not to make her upset because anger can quickly turn into tears and the last thing you want to see is a pregnant woman crying. Third, and final rule protect the people around you...if you see the evil start to come over your wife quickly divert her from the public because the 82 year old woman, or the waiter will not understand why this woman is wigging out on them. I have to remember that my wife is processing many things through this pregnancy and when she loses her patience I have to learn how to make patience my primary mode of survival.
I can only hope that when my wife is accepting her OSCAR that she will take a moment to thank her husband for adapting to her many different characters both good and evil. The truth is my wife has many pregnant personalities, but I have learned to accept and love each and every one of them...but when Medusa comes through remember to close your eyes and hold your breath because she could turn you stone with one hormonal evil look. Most of all remember to have PATIENCE, because without patience the HORMONES will be victorious and that's one battle I just don't want to loose.

The Spell

Today one of my best friends delivered their first baby girl. This new lovely baby is one of five girls the stork has delivered this year alone. It is said that the guys in my group have a been put under a spell and will all be the fathers of beautiful girls. The reason this spell was cast upon our friends was because most of the boys in their day were self proclaimed womanizers. Now all the guys would have to face the familiar WOLVES that will eventually be calling upon their daughters. We would KNOW exactly what that suitor was really thinking when they call you SIR and shake your hand. This spell seems to increase with the number of baby girls depending on how big of a womanizer you had been in your past. What could break this curse? Who will end up having the boy? If you remember in my past blog I said I was the fat kid in high school and all the girls wanted me as a friend rather then a love interest. I did have a few years where my friends started to rub off on me, but for the most part I always tried to be a gentleman with woman. With that being said if I had a boy he would be the LUCKIEST son of a bitch come puberty. He would have the opportunity to grow up around all these beautiful daughters, my son could become the wolf in a field full of beautiful lambs.
The truth is IF I had a son he would learn early on to treat girls with respect and dignity. I know that in my situation I found an amazing beautiful woman because I knew how she should be treated and now I am the one with THE HOT CHICK.
Before my wife got preggo I always said I needed to have a BOY. I think every guy wants to have their legacy carried on through new generations. I wanted the opportunity to guide my boy through sports, girls, and manhood. The day I heard the heartbeat of my unborn baby all of that changed. At this point I truly have no preference if I have a boy or a girl. All I want is to have a healthy child and to be the best dad I can be. This amazing spell that was casted over my friends is a true gift. These men have been bewitched by these beautiful baby girls and are loving every minute of it. So cast whatever spell you wish I welcome either pink or blue and can't wait for the moment I get to meet my child. Today is a wonderful day because my friend met his baby girl for the first time and I can't wait to see them be parents. My time is coming and if I have a GIRL she will be born into a wonderful group of girlfriends. If I have a BOY well then karma is a bitch and I will watch him HOWL like a wolf....naaaa he will just have a lot of girls around him with VERY protective FATHERS and he will learn early on how a woman should be treated.

Boy's Night Out

As we emerge into the 2nd trimester of What To Expect When She's Expecting we have shared the many experiences of laughter, tears and the lessons my wife and I have been discovering together. One lesson every couple should learn is when to give each other some space. We have been immersed into this life of morning sickness, hormones,excitement, and fear. These emotions have lead to some definite moments of frustration. I think it's best to take a step back at these times and give each other some space. When my father in law offered to take my wife to Atlantic City it presented the perfect opportunity for us all. My wife has sort of a gambling problem that has been passed down from her father. It has been said that the first noise my wife reacted to in her moms belly where the bells of a winning slot machine. It's this sound of bells that still makes my wife as excited as a little girl who just received her first toy doll. My wife has said that if she should die she requests that her ashes be dispersed among the many ash trays next to the slot machines in Atlantic City....do you now see how she has a problem? The truth is my wife doesn't spend money on new shoes, or expensive clothes and bags. To make my wife truly happy she just needs to hear the bells of a casino every few months. When her father asked to go to AC I pushed my wife to go and said it would be good bonding time with her father and I would stay home to save money and take care of the dog's. The truth is we needed some time a part and I needed a BOY'S NIGHT OUT.
This year alone 6 of our friends have either had a baby or are awaiting their first child. I knew it would be easy to convince these new or expecting fathers to a much needed Guy's night out. In the past a guys night out consisted of a trendy club, great music and velvet ropes. We usually got home at around 5am and we paid with blood from our wives or girlfriends. We never did anything bad we just where loud, funny, and obnoxious...BOYS. When boys become FATHERS things tend to change quickly. I sent my wife off with her dad and spent the day in boxers watching stupid T.V. and drinking beers it was wonderful. The BOYS NIGHT OUT was planned and I was excited not to hear or think about babies or hormones for just one night. The evening would not consist of a club, but rather a local bar and the meeting time was set for 6:30....WTF. In the past I would be napping at 6:30 to be ready for a long Saturday night, now it was the kick off time? We did drink beers and we definitely were loud as we reminisced of our crazy times in Las Vegas, and South beach. It was around 9pm when the unthinkable happened...the cell phones came out and like a bunch of woman we oohed and ahhhed over the latest baby pics. All of these big macho guys turned into a sentimental bunch of hormones like the one I just shipped off to A.C., including myself. The truth is our lives are evolving boy's have become men ,and men are becoming FATHERS the playing field has definitely changed. We had a great time and I was home passed out by 12am. My wife, well that was a different story. While I was subjected to the mans version of " A Baby's Story" my wife was living it up on the east coasts version of SIN CITY. The truth is by the time my wife walked in the door I had truly missed her and all of her pregnant issues. It turned out she hit a jackpot and she bought our baby's very first outfit, which was a onsie with triple sevens on the front. I have a feeling my baby would also now recognize the bells of a winning slot machine. I can only hope that I have the same relationship with my child as my wife has with her father....even if it does involve the small addiction of slot machines.

The Paternal Clock

A few years ago my biggest concern was how many days I would be able to hit the gym. My diet consisted of protein shakes and lean meat and a piece of bread meant an extra 45 minuets of cardio. I was never very good at sports but I looked like an athlete and I felt great about how I looked and felt. I had no real worries and my life was about my career and what club I would be going to on Friday night. On one Aug day about 2 years ago I broke my leg in three places and needed immediate surgery. When I woke up after surgery I was not able to move my right foot, I later found out that 85% of the use of my foot may never return. At that time I learned to cope with the things that would now restrict me like running, dancing, or being able to go to the gym. I walk with a slight limp but my life didn't stop, I don't think about my restrictions I just face reality and adapted to the situation. A few week's ago I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time I felt a paternal clock start to tick.
I started to feel these different emotions of sadness, anger , and I was conflicted. I realised I suppressed and took for granted the simple things that I no longer can do. Now I keep thinking about how my condition will affect my unborn child. I remember my dad teaching me to ride a bike , teaching me to play baseball and carry me on his shoulders. These are the memories I didn't think of to much as an adult, but now that I'm going to be a dad I understand how valuable those moments truly are. I no longer think about protein shakes and the gym, I worry about tripping on my own foot and the daily pain in my leg is a reminder of my accident. The reason I'm conflicted is because the day I heard that heartbeat I started to think about all the things that I want to do as a father. I want to run around in a field with my child, or dance with my baby, or carry my child on my shoulders without worrying about tripping. Will this accident rob me of those gifts? Will my child not be able to have the memories that I treasured? My accident for the first time is making me angry, because it's making me question my capabilities as a dad. I may not have been the best athlete growing up but I NEVER sat on the sidelines of life, and now I feel like I'm being forced to sit out on the best part of the game. I'm conflicted with the restrictions this accident has done to me, but I REFUSE to let anything steal a single moment of the gift of fatherhood. I may not be able to carry my child on my shoulders, but I will never let go of that child's hand. I may not be able to run and play baseball, but I will never miss a game. I will find a way to dance with my child. I will NOT sit this game out, rather I will find a way to be the MVP of this child's life. I am faced with the challenge that will transform me from a man into an amazing father. Some of you who read this blog know me well, some of you are getting to know me through this blog. The truth is this blog is helping me in many ways to in vision myself as more then just a man, but as a father to be.
My paternal clock started to tick the day I heard my baby's heartbeat. This means father hood starts NOW. I've been called into the game and I need to play better then ever before in my life. I have about seven months to condition myself physically and mentally to be the best I can be, despite my small challenges. My life is a gift, and the life that I am creating is the biggest gift life has to offer. I feel like a child on Christmas morning and this is one gift I can't wait to open, and this is one game where the bench is NOT an option. There may be some games I can't play, but then those will be the moments that my child will call me COACH.

THE TOXIC AVENGER

I remember as a kid watching either a news show or movie about the many riots during the Vietnam war during the 60's. It was always the image of military soldiers throwing gas grenades into a crowd of young protesters that stuck in my mind. Everyone at the scene would either run frantically or pass out from the terrible odor. I feel the military should invest and start planting pregnant woman in these riots undercover, because let me tell you one of my wife's SBD's = SILENT BUT DEADLY, could easily act as a new and deadly military weapon. I am now experiencing in week 13 that with my wife's many mood swings and deadly gas that she is starting to resemble the ever so terrifying TOXIC AVENGER.
The truth is GAS was always my specialty in my household. I have the ability to use many muscles to create what I call love serenades for my wife. This tends to only happen in the privacy of our home and these serenades sound gross but they really don't smell all that bad. The situation with my wife is completely the opposite her little queefs could seriously destroy anything within a 20 foot radius...they are deadly. The terrifying thing is as this pregnancy progresses these SBD's are now happening at anytime or anyplace...its truly horrifying. This past Sunday we had been doing our usual food shopping when rite there in the middle of the produce isle out of nowhere this god awful smell reaches my nostrils. I knew immediately my wife had detonated another SBD. The funny thing is she tries to act as if she didn't release this certified chemical weapon and continues on her merry way down the isle. The worst is when we are driving, you see we are in the middle of winter and the windows need to be sealed shut. As we are both having a discussion about what type of crib we may want all of a sudden the TOXIC AVENGER strikes in full force. I was a victim with no place to go and no air and thought that I might lose consciousness while driving my child appropriate SUV . We have just received a notice from the town commissioner stating our taxes have increased due to the many complaints about a fowl odor that was coming from our house. In another blog I will talk about the many different foods and abundance of it that my wife has been ingesting, but it certainly is a clue to the toxic stench which is produced within wife's tiny body.
I understand that this is something that happens to many pregnant woman, but I feel as if someone has taken my much deserved title away from me. My wife is now the reigning champion of FARTING. Men be AWARE and WARN your loved ones that a pregnant woman is most likely the host to the worlds most deadliest chemical weapon and its called the PSBD=Pregnant Silent But Deadly.