The ZAPPER

Unlike most men I truly do enjoy shopping. It's not the actual act of shopping I love, rather I admit to enjoying new and exciting items. My wife makes fun of me because I can't pass up a Marshall's with a discounted Affliction T-shirt or Calvin Klein suit. The best SALE in my book is when something is FREE, which is why I do happen to LOVE the process of registering for a wedding or baby shower. I make it very well known that I would be in control of the Zapper which scans all of our choices. For our wedding I went NUTS and seriously pouted when I found out it was not appropriate to register at BEST BUY, or Circuit City...I'm sorry every new couple absolutely needs a 62 inch LCD flat screen TV. I settled for the very cool vacuum and blender at Bed Bath and Beyond, but I still think men should get their own type of shower maybe we can call it a POWER.
Last week I had the honor of going to Bye Bye Baby, and Baby's R Us with my wife and sister to register for the baby shower. I knew I needed to have some way of participating so I had to be the controller of the ZAPPER. With this POWER I went absolutely NUTS and drove my wife who is always practical crazy, and that always puts a smile on my face. It was like I was transformed into an infant in a toy store and I started ZAPPING everything cool. My child will not just have a pack and play she will have a pack and play 3000, she will have the best stroller, high chair, and OMG the toys..all I gotta say is I will even be entertained. By the end of the day my wife and sister where out of breath and I was feeding my shopping high ready to hit the next store...I even got myself a diaper bag called the Diaper DUDE...Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I know hours later my wife went home deleted some items online that I have ZAPPED, but what she does not know is I have the original print out and will adding my cool stuff back on that registry. The truth is most guy's would fight having to participate in this process, but if you pretend you where in a sporting goods store or electronic warehouse it really can be fun. I loved picking the most fun, safe, and cute items for my daughter, and pictured all the smiles they would produce for my Noelle. I will say this AMERICA...Buy Buy Baby, Best Buy, or Baby's R Us are more then welcome to send me my 62 inch 3D LCD flat screen TV for all the free advertising mentioned in this blog. For all the guys my advise is this...If we must go with our wives to either register for a wedding or baby shower make sure you, and only you, have the POWER of holding the ZAPPER and go absolutely NUTS.

The BabyMOON

Last Saturday I returned from a vacation or what people are now calling a BABYMOON. A babymoon is a new trend where couples plan a vacation before having their first baby. This is to enjoy the last moments alone as a couple without the worries of parenthood. I will say this to my few male readers DO NOT think your babymoon will resemble your Honeymoon, because at 22 weeks preggo it's a whole different type of vacation. We decided to return to the destination of our Honeymoon and go to Sandals in the Bahamas. On my Honeymoon my wife and I escaped back to our room every day for some LOVING and a nap....Babymoon I got lots of NAPS. we did try some loving on the first day, but after a certain point It just, well it feels strange when you know your baby is sharing your wife's body with you...so NAPS and snuggles became the new afternoon delight. On my honeymoon we soaked in the sun all day long...Babymoon your wife will last a few hours before she's uncomfortable and needs immediate air conditioning. Honeymoon we drank all day in the pool and met other drunken couples...Babymoon..virgin Pina Coladas and nobody wanted to talk to the knocked up sober couple. Honeymoon we wondered exotic islands and went on crazy adventures...Babymoon if it did not have a bathroom within a 15 foot radius it just wasn't possible.
I did experience something on my babymoon that I never experienced with any woman on any vacation...CONSTIPATION. After five days of bliss my wife started to feel uncomfortable and realised she has not been able to go to the bathroom. The pain and discomfort began to grow, and we know what happens to my beautiful wife when she's uncomfortable ( if you forgot go read the GAS blog again or rent FREE WILLY) We finally decided to go see the hotel nurse, who was a large and quite scary woman. The nurse said a word that will be sadly imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life... she said my wife needed an "ENEMA". My heart began to pound out of my chest and the beads of sweat started to pour out of my forehead when it hit me...I WOULD HAVE TO PERFORM THIS PROCEDURE ON MY WIFE. We both walked up to the pharmacy and not a word was exchanged when we purchased the DEVICE . It was as if we where two teenagers buying condoms for the first time for an afternoon romp. We finally reached our room and I laid on the bed as my wife prepared for the immediate release of pressure..then my wife called " Sweetness I'm ready". Usually those words coming from a beautiful woman in a hotel room was music to my years, but this was a totally different situation. I held my chest and took a deep breath as I walked around the corner to the bathroom. I grabbed the DEVICE closed my eyes, counted to three and performed the procedure. I had but moments to take cover before the explosion hit, and I ran to the bed and grabbed a pillow to drown out moans and screams...and then there was silence.
It took about 10 uncomfortable minuets before we could look at each other again, and we just started to laugh uncontrollably. It's definitely true LOVE when you can give your wife an ENEMA and still think she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
This Babymoon was definitely not like my Honeymoon, but it did give me some incredible and priceless moments to remember. I felt my baby girl move for the first time, I remembered what it's like to just cuddle with my wife. I saw just how beautiful a pregnant woman could be, and we reconnected as husband and wife, and became a family.
A babymoon is a wonderful thing...just make sure your wife eats lots and LOTS of PRUNES.
This Sunday, May 16th is our 2 year Anniversary and I just wanted to say to my wife who puts up with all these blogs that your husband
LOVES YOU WITH ALL HIS HEART AND THANKS YOU FOR THE BEST YEARS OF HIS LIFE.....HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SWEETNESS...Love your Beast.

I'm An Asshole

Through this experience I have disclosed some uncomfortable, sensitive, and wonderful moments of WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN SHE's EXPECTING. My wife has been an incredible sport and has had an amazing attitude of support and understanding when it comes to my new creative outlet of blogging. With that being said I need expose and reflect some uncomfortable moments of myself as well...So this week I was an admittedly an ASSHOLE. The truth is for the most part I try and be a good husband, I do laundry, I help cook, and I never disrespect my wife...but when your wife is Preggo I need to remember that good is not good enough. The truth is my wife is such a hard worker and is just not lazy so I forget she's working so much harder as she is carrying. This past weekend we decided to have a group of friends over for dinner. When we have company my wife goes into total HOST CRAZY MODE...everything must be cleaned, the food must be perfect, and with that comes CHORES. By no means was I sitting around watching TV while my wife prepared for our guests, but I probably could and should have done more. By the time the guests filled our empty house my poor wife was tired and physically exhausted, and I just didn't notice. I was overwhelmed with be a host that I also was insensitive and snapped at my wife over an undercooked steak. That moment the exhaustion and hormones took over and the tears filled my wife's hazel eyes... I was a total ASSHOLE. The truth is any other time the situation probably would not have phased either of us...BUT GUYS we can't forget that when your wife is carrying the most important gift in the world it is not just any other time. As usual my wife and I talked it out like we always do when we argue. By morning I was ready to change and step up my game, because GOOD is NOT good enough during pregnancy. I need to evolve with my wife and prepare myself for many years of extra patience and more love, so I need to start now with my wife.
Guys remember this: your wife is carrying the most important part of who you are. She is uncomfortable, self conscience, hormonal, sick, and usually is physically tired....This is the time to tell her you LOVE her, tell her how beautiful she is, and thank her for everything she is enduring....but most of all make sure you are her partner and help her every step of the way. When I saw those tears in my wife's eyes I realised I was the ASSHOLE...I learned that day I need to be a GREAT husband, because being just GOOD ended the day she said " Sweetness I'm Pregnant"

I need to tell you all I am going away on a BABYMOON next week to the Bahamas. I am sure I will have a great entry when I get back, but I will not be blogging while on vacation. See you all soon,
The Asshole :)

The First NOEL

This morning at 8:30 am was my wife's 2nd level sonogram, and it was also the day I found out I was definitely going to be a father of a healthy baby girl. We found out that my wife was pregnant at Christmas and we love the holidays just as much as the Griswold's so it was fitting to name our little girl NOEL. A few weeks ago at our last sonogram they thought the baby may be a girl but her legs were crossed so it was hard to determine. This morning although her legs were still crossed a determination was made...ALL I could think was if I'm having a girl I AM VERY HAPPY SHE IS LEARNING TO KEEP HER LEGS CROSSED...this is one lesson best started in the womb. The truth is now that I know the sex I can see the future so much clearer . I truly am excited to be having a girl, because I know I am going to spoil her and she will always be daddy's little girl. I can't wait for all the treasures our future as a family will bring...HOWEVER, I am concerned if she will suspect her loving father when her Boyfriends keep mysteriously disappearing. I know that it's silly to think of this now, but being a guy I know what happens to daddy's little girl on an INNOCENT date with a boy..I will shoot them all in the balls and lock my little girl up until she is ready for marriage at 34.
OK With all that being said I would not change today for the world. I keep thinking of the movie "Father Of The Bride" and the bond a father can have with his little princess. It's strange now that I know the sex I feel the connection and anticipation has grown so much, and I cant wait to meet this beautiful little girl. She will be my first NOEL and the best gift any holiday could ever give. I hope she is the spitting image of my wife because then she will posses the features of a classic Hollywood actress . I hope she has my whit and humor and with a touch of kindness she will be simply PERFECTION...but she will learn early on how to KEEP THOSE PERFECT LEGS CROSSED and to always listen to her daddy. For now the Doctor says NOEL is about 12oz and is developing perfectly. My wife is on cloud nine and is feeling great, she is already mapping out all the things pink our little girl must have. We are half way to the day we get to meet our baby girl and now more then ever I can't wait to look into the eyes of our little NOEL.

BENTLEY AND ME

About five years ago I persuaded my wife, then girlfriend to take a ride out east to visit a shelter for dogs. I always make it seem like we are just going to LOOK, yet we always end up leaving with exactly what I set my mind to get...In this case it was a BENTLEY. This Bentley does not have 4 wheels and a shiny exterior rather this one has 4 legs and a furry exterior. When we pulled up to the shelter we had it in our minds to just simply look at the puppies and see if one catches our eyes. We had to walk through all the older unwanted dogs in order to get to the puppies and it was then when my eyes set upon what would be my true first child. As soon as I look at this dog which seriously looks like a cartoon character with his over sized head, short legs, and huge paws I knew this was the misfit that I would have to adopt. At first my wife wanted to keep looking but this dogs eyes would not let go of my heart and I was sold. The dog was 2 years old and was a mix of lab, basset hound, and pit bull . This dogs appearence was as priceless as a brand new Bentley and so it was only fitting that Bentley was to be his name. We had to wait a few days to pick him up and my now wife was very sceptical of the arrival of our first child, but I knew this dog was special and he needed us to be his parents. Within a month Bentley became what my wife calls " Gods version of heaven on earth" she immediately fell in love just as I did with this perfect animal. It was like he knew we saved him and from the minute we picked him up he vowed to be be loving, loyal, and to keep us together as a family with every lick of his over sized tongue. The truth is it was this dog that saved my relationship with my now wife. About 2 months after the arrival of our child my now wife had began to face some difficult issues which led us to separate for a while. We decided to live in different places and take some time a part to reflect and think about our futures together. Bentley would stay with me and my wife would stop by from time to time to help out and doggy sit when I had to travel on business. The truth is time to time became weekends, and sometimes during the week my wife quite simply could not stand to be away from the dog. After a few months our mutual love for this dog actually brought us closer together and with time my wife and I fell in love all over again...all because of a dog refusing to loose another family. Within a year I proposed to my wife and our family would finally be complete and our dog was the most important thing in our lives and everyone knew it. The truth is this dog gives us his unconditional love and our biggest fear is the day when god decides to take his little piece of heaven back. I remember going to see the movie "Marley and Me" and in the theater my wife and I SOBBED uncontrollably for the entire last half hour of the movie, because we just thought of the day that Marley would be Bentley.
My wife is now 18 weeks pregnant and quite honestly if it wasn't for this dog with an over sized head and heart we never would have had this amazing gift of a baby which would truly complete this perfect family. I say my dog is my first child and I mean that, but I am so happy that my first baby will have the opportunity to grow up with Bentley as her first dog. My baby will know the reason why her mother and father's love was reconnected by a dog who refused to let us drift a part. She will know that Bentley set into motion the events that would help bring her into this world. Some may think my wife and I are a little bit strange because of how much we love our dog, but with that being said I can only imagine how much our hearts will grow the day we get to meet our baby. I can't wait to introduce NOEL to her dog BENTLEY, by the way did I mention I am going to have a baby girl? whats more perfect then a Boy and a Girl , even if the boy has 4 legs and a big head. I will always be in debt to this misfit of a dog for bringing my family back to me. Maybe he was sent from the heavens to help me my wife work out our issues because with his love we found ours again...and it was that love that created our little girl. So call it what you want, but as for me and my wife we truly do believe he is nothing short of a piece of heaven on earth...besides who wouldn't want a BENTLEY?

PATIENCE

This year the actress Monique won an academy award for her portrayal of an angry and mean woman in the movie PRECIOUS. I watched Precious with my wife who is now 16 weeks pregnant, during the scene when the angry hormonal woman went into a full on RAGE, I think I saw a small glimpse of my wife. I have decided that a new movie should be created called "PATIENCE". It will be about how pregnant woman can be just SO MEAN. I have decided to cast my wife in the lead part..and trust me my wife is sure to be an OSCAR contender for next years award season.
The truth of it all is my wife has completely lost her ability to have any sort of PATIENCE during her pregnancy. I feel bad for the waiter that does not bring her food out quick enough, or the person checking us out at the grocery store, or the poor 82 year old woman who is not driving fast enough in front of us. My wife turns into Roseanne Bar during a hot flash and all holy hell breaks out in a moments notice. I can see it in her eyes...it's the same look she always gets just before her period (Boy's you know this look all to well) Her eyes seem to glass over and the woman I loved quickly vanishes, and her evil twin emerges from the depths of her psyche. She becomes Arnold Shwartzeneger in the TERMINATOR killing anything in its path to get to Sarah Conner...I have become Sarah Connor and I am fighting for my life and running from forces that are beyond any man's control...HORMONES. I have learned that the only way to defeat this evil is to fight back with its one true weakness and in my wife's case that weakness is PATIENCE. I have learned that if I don't fuel the evil with a reaction that in moments my wife will fight her way back into her body and regain her sanity. I know this is something that's expected during pregnancy, but I'm sorry this is something no man can be fully prepared for. A couple of survival tips I have picked up are: First: the woman can't help these moments of anger, so don't fight back. Second; remember this woman is carrying your child so try not to make her upset because anger can quickly turn into tears and the last thing you want to see is a pregnant woman crying. Third, and final rule protect the people around you...if you see the evil start to come over your wife quickly divert her from the public because the 82 year old woman, or the waiter will not understand why this woman is wigging out on them. I have to remember that my wife is processing many things through this pregnancy and when she loses her patience I have to learn how to make patience my primary mode of survival.
I can only hope that when my wife is accepting her OSCAR that she will take a moment to thank her husband for adapting to her many different characters both good and evil. The truth is my wife has many pregnant personalities, but I have learned to accept and love each and every one of them...but when Medusa comes through remember to close your eyes and hold your breath because she could turn you stone with one hormonal evil look. Most of all remember to have PATIENCE, because without patience the HORMONES will be victorious and that's one battle I just don't want to loose.

The Spell

Today one of my best friends delivered their first baby girl. This new lovely baby is one of five girls the stork has delivered this year alone. It is said that the guys in my group have a been put under a spell and will all be the fathers of beautiful girls. The reason this spell was cast upon our friends was because most of the boys in their day were self proclaimed womanizers. Now all the guys would have to face the familiar WOLVES that will eventually be calling upon their daughters. We would KNOW exactly what that suitor was really thinking when they call you SIR and shake your hand. This spell seems to increase with the number of baby girls depending on how big of a womanizer you had been in your past. What could break this curse? Who will end up having the boy? If you remember in my past blog I said I was the fat kid in high school and all the girls wanted me as a friend rather then a love interest. I did have a few years where my friends started to rub off on me, but for the most part I always tried to be a gentleman with woman. With that being said if I had a boy he would be the LUCKIEST son of a bitch come puberty. He would have the opportunity to grow up around all these beautiful daughters, my son could become the wolf in a field full of beautiful lambs.
The truth is IF I had a son he would learn early on to treat girls with respect and dignity. I know that in my situation I found an amazing beautiful woman because I knew how she should be treated and now I am the one with THE HOT CHICK.
Before my wife got preggo I always said I needed to have a BOY. I think every guy wants to have their legacy carried on through new generations. I wanted the opportunity to guide my boy through sports, girls, and manhood. The day I heard the heartbeat of my unborn baby all of that changed. At this point I truly have no preference if I have a boy or a girl. All I want is to have a healthy child and to be the best dad I can be. This amazing spell that was casted over my friends is a true gift. These men have been bewitched by these beautiful baby girls and are loving every minute of it. So cast whatever spell you wish I welcome either pink or blue and can't wait for the moment I get to meet my child. Today is a wonderful day because my friend met his baby girl for the first time and I can't wait to see them be parents. My time is coming and if I have a GIRL she will be born into a wonderful group of girlfriends. If I have a BOY well then karma is a bitch and I will watch him HOWL like a wolf....naaaa he will just have a lot of girls around him with VERY protective FATHERS and he will learn early on how a woman should be treated.