This morning at 8:30 am was my wife's 2nd level sonogram, and it was also the day I found out I was definitely going to be a father of a healthy baby girl. We found out that my wife was pregnant at Christmas and we love the holidays just as much as the Griswold's so it was fitting to name our little girl NOEL. A few weeks ago at our last sonogram they thought the baby may be a girl but her legs were crossed so it was hard to determine. This morning although her legs were still crossed a determination was made...ALL I could think was if I'm having a girl I AM VERY HAPPY SHE IS LEARNING TO KEEP HER LEGS CROSSED...this is one lesson best started in the womb. The truth is now that I know the sex I can see the future so much clearer . I truly am excited to be having a girl, because I know I am going to spoil her and she will always be daddy's little girl. I can't wait for all the treasures our future as a family will bring...HOWEVER, I am concerned if she will suspect her loving father when her Boyfriends keep mysteriously disappearing. I know that it's silly to think of this now, but being a guy I know what happens to daddy's little girl on an INNOCENT date with a boy..I will shoot them all in the balls and lock my little girl up until she is ready for marriage at 34.
OK With all that being said I would not change today for the world. I keep thinking of the movie "Father Of The Bride" and the bond a father can have with his little princess. It's strange now that I know the sex I feel the connection and anticipation has grown so much, and I cant wait to meet this beautiful little girl. She will be my first NOEL and the best gift any holiday could ever give. I hope she is the spitting image of my wife because then she will posses the features of a classic Hollywood actress . I hope she has my whit and humor and with a touch of kindness she will be simply PERFECTION...but she will learn early on how to KEEP THOSE PERFECT LEGS CROSSED and to always listen to her daddy. For now the Doctor says NOEL is about 12oz and is developing perfectly. My wife is on cloud nine and is feeling great, she is already mapping out all the things pink our little girl must have. We are half way to the day we get to meet our baby girl and now more then ever I can't wait to look into the eyes of our little NOEL.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
BENTLEY AND ME
About five years ago I persuaded my wife, then girlfriend to take a ride out east to visit a shelter for dogs. I always make it seem like we are just going to LOOK, yet we always end up leaving with exactly what I set my mind to get...In this case it was a BENTLEY. This Bentley does not have 4 wheels and a shiny exterior rather this one has 4 legs and a furry exterior. When we pulled up to the shelter we had it in our minds to just simply look at the puppies and see if one catches our eyes. We had to walk through all the older unwanted dogs in order to get to the puppies and it was then when my eyes set upon what would be my true first child. As soon as I look at this dog which seriously looks like a cartoon character with his over sized head, short legs, and huge paws I knew this was the misfit that I would have to adopt. At first my wife wanted to keep looking but this dogs eyes would not let go of my heart and I was sold. The dog was 2 years old and was a mix of lab, basset hound, and pit bull . This dogs appearence was as priceless as a brand new Bentley and so it was only fitting that Bentley was to be his name. We had to wait a few days to pick him up and my now wife was very sceptical of the arrival of our first child, but I knew this dog was special and he needed us to be his parents. Within a month Bentley became what my wife calls " Gods version of heaven on earth" she immediately fell in love just as I did with this perfect animal. It was like he knew we saved him and from the minute we picked him up he vowed to be be loving, loyal, and to keep us together as a family with every lick of his over sized tongue. The truth is it was this dog that saved my relationship with my now wife. About 2 months after the arrival of our child my now wife had began to face some difficult issues which led us to separate for a while. We decided to live in different places and take some time a part to reflect and think about our futures together. Bentley would stay with me and my wife would stop by from time to time to help out and doggy sit when I had to travel on business. The truth is time to time became weekends, and sometimes during the week my wife quite simply could not stand to be away from the dog. After a few months our mutual love for this dog actually brought us closer together and with time my wife and I fell in love all over again...all because of a dog refusing to loose another family. Within a year I proposed to my wife and our family would finally be complete and our dog was the most important thing in our lives and everyone knew it. The truth is this dog gives us his unconditional love and our biggest fear is the day when god decides to take his little piece of heaven back. I remember going to see the movie "Marley and Me" and in the theater my wife and I SOBBED uncontrollably for the entire last half hour of the movie, because we just thought of the day that Marley would be Bentley.
My wife is now 18 weeks pregnant and quite honestly if it wasn't for this dog with an over sized head and heart we never would have had this amazing gift of a baby which would truly complete this perfect family. I say my dog is my first child and I mean that, but I am so happy that my first baby will have the opportunity to grow up with Bentley as her first dog. My baby will know the reason why her mother and father's love was reconnected by a dog who refused to let us drift a part. She will know that Bentley set into motion the events that would help bring her into this world. Some may think my wife and I are a little bit strange because of how much we love our dog, but with that being said I can only imagine how much our hearts will grow the day we get to meet our baby. I can't wait to introduce NOEL to her dog BENTLEY, by the way did I mention I am going to have a baby girl? whats more perfect then a Boy and a Girl , even if the boy has 4 legs and a big head. I will always be in debt to this misfit of a dog for bringing my family back to me. Maybe he was sent from the heavens to help me my wife work out our issues because with his love we found ours again...and it was that love that created our little girl. So call it what you want, but as for me and my wife we truly do believe he is nothing short of a piece of heaven on earth...besides who wouldn't want a BENTLEY?
My wife is now 18 weeks pregnant and quite honestly if it wasn't for this dog with an over sized head and heart we never would have had this amazing gift of a baby which would truly complete this perfect family. I say my dog is my first child and I mean that, but I am so happy that my first baby will have the opportunity to grow up with Bentley as her first dog. My baby will know the reason why her mother and father's love was reconnected by a dog who refused to let us drift a part. She will know that Bentley set into motion the events that would help bring her into this world. Some may think my wife and I are a little bit strange because of how much we love our dog, but with that being said I can only imagine how much our hearts will grow the day we get to meet our baby. I can't wait to introduce NOEL to her dog BENTLEY, by the way did I mention I am going to have a baby girl? whats more perfect then a Boy and a Girl , even if the boy has 4 legs and a big head. I will always be in debt to this misfit of a dog for bringing my family back to me. Maybe he was sent from the heavens to help me my wife work out our issues because with his love we found ours again...and it was that love that created our little girl. So call it what you want, but as for me and my wife we truly do believe he is nothing short of a piece of heaven on earth...besides who wouldn't want a BENTLEY?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
PATIENCE
This year the actress Monique won an academy award for her portrayal of an angry and mean woman in the movie PRECIOUS. I watched Precious with my wife who is now 16 weeks pregnant, during the scene when the angry hormonal woman went into a full on RAGE, I think I saw a small glimpse of my wife. I have decided that a new movie should be created called "PATIENCE". It will be about how pregnant woman can be just SO MEAN. I have decided to cast my wife in the lead part..and trust me my wife is sure to be an OSCAR contender for next years award season.
The truth of it all is my wife has completely lost her ability to have any sort of PATIENCE during her pregnancy. I feel bad for the waiter that does not bring her food out quick enough, or the person checking us out at the grocery store, or the poor 82 year old woman who is not driving fast enough in front of us. My wife turns into Roseanne Bar during a hot flash and all holy hell breaks out in a moments notice. I can see it in her eyes...it's the same look she always gets just before her period (Boy's you know this look all to well) Her eyes seem to glass over and the woman I loved quickly vanishes, and her evil twin emerges from the depths of her psyche. She becomes Arnold Shwartzeneger in the TERMINATOR killing anything in its path to get to Sarah Conner...I have become Sarah Connor and I am fighting for my life and running from forces that are beyond any man's control...HORMONES. I have learned that the only way to defeat this evil is to fight back with its one true weakness and in my wife's case that weakness is PATIENCE. I have learned that if I don't fuel the evil with a reaction that in moments my wife will fight her way back into her body and regain her sanity. I know this is something that's expected during pregnancy, but I'm sorry this is something no man can be fully prepared for. A couple of survival tips I have picked up are: First: the woman can't help these moments of anger, so don't fight back. Second; remember this woman is carrying your child so try not to make her upset because anger can quickly turn into tears and the last thing you want to see is a pregnant woman crying. Third, and final rule protect the people around you...if you see the evil start to come over your wife quickly divert her from the public because the 82 year old woman, or the waiter will not understand why this woman is wigging out on them. I have to remember that my wife is processing many things through this pregnancy and when she loses her patience I have to learn how to make patience my primary mode of survival.
I can only hope that when my wife is accepting her OSCAR that she will take a moment to thank her husband for adapting to her many different characters both good and evil. The truth is my wife has many pregnant personalities, but I have learned to accept and love each and every one of them...but when Medusa comes through remember to close your eyes and hold your breath because she could turn you stone with one hormonal evil look. Most of all remember to have PATIENCE, because without patience the HORMONES will be victorious and that's one battle I just don't want to loose.
The truth of it all is my wife has completely lost her ability to have any sort of PATIENCE during her pregnancy. I feel bad for the waiter that does not bring her food out quick enough, or the person checking us out at the grocery store, or the poor 82 year old woman who is not driving fast enough in front of us. My wife turns into Roseanne Bar during a hot flash and all holy hell breaks out in a moments notice. I can see it in her eyes...it's the same look she always gets just before her period (Boy's you know this look all to well) Her eyes seem to glass over and the woman I loved quickly vanishes, and her evil twin emerges from the depths of her psyche. She becomes Arnold Shwartzeneger in the TERMINATOR killing anything in its path to get to Sarah Conner...I have become Sarah Connor and I am fighting for my life and running from forces that are beyond any man's control...HORMONES. I have learned that the only way to defeat this evil is to fight back with its one true weakness and in my wife's case that weakness is PATIENCE. I have learned that if I don't fuel the evil with a reaction that in moments my wife will fight her way back into her body and regain her sanity. I know this is something that's expected during pregnancy, but I'm sorry this is something no man can be fully prepared for. A couple of survival tips I have picked up are: First: the woman can't help these moments of anger, so don't fight back. Second; remember this woman is carrying your child so try not to make her upset because anger can quickly turn into tears and the last thing you want to see is a pregnant woman crying. Third, and final rule protect the people around you...if you see the evil start to come over your wife quickly divert her from the public because the 82 year old woman, or the waiter will not understand why this woman is wigging out on them. I have to remember that my wife is processing many things through this pregnancy and when she loses her patience I have to learn how to make patience my primary mode of survival.
I can only hope that when my wife is accepting her OSCAR that she will take a moment to thank her husband for adapting to her many different characters both good and evil. The truth is my wife has many pregnant personalities, but I have learned to accept and love each and every one of them...but when Medusa comes through remember to close your eyes and hold your breath because she could turn you stone with one hormonal evil look. Most of all remember to have PATIENCE, because without patience the HORMONES will be victorious and that's one battle I just don't want to loose.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Spell
Today one of my best friends delivered their first baby girl. This new lovely baby is one of five girls the stork has delivered this year alone. It is said that the guys in my group have a been put under a spell and will all be the fathers of beautiful girls. The reason this spell was cast upon our friends was because most of the boys in their day were self proclaimed womanizers. Now all the guys would have to face the familiar WOLVES that will eventually be calling upon their daughters. We would KNOW exactly what that suitor was really thinking when they call you SIR and shake your hand. This spell seems to increase with the number of baby girls depending on how big of a womanizer you had been in your past. What could break this curse? Who will end up having the boy? If you remember in my past blog I said I was the fat kid in high school and all the girls wanted me as a friend rather then a love interest. I did have a few years where my friends started to rub off on me, but for the most part I always tried to be a gentleman with woman. With that being said if I had a boy he would be the LUCKIEST son of a bitch come puberty. He would have the opportunity to grow up around all these beautiful daughters, my son could become the wolf in a field full of beautiful lambs.
The truth is IF I had a son he would learn early on to treat girls with respect and dignity. I know that in my situation I found an amazing beautiful woman because I knew how she should be treated and now I am the one with THE HOT CHICK.
Before my wife got preggo I always said I needed to have a BOY. I think every guy wants to have their legacy carried on through new generations. I wanted the opportunity to guide my boy through sports, girls, and manhood. The day I heard the heartbeat of my unborn baby all of that changed. At this point I truly have no preference if I have a boy or a girl. All I want is to have a healthy child and to be the best dad I can be. This amazing spell that was casted over my friends is a true gift. These men have been bewitched by these beautiful baby girls and are loving every minute of it. So cast whatever spell you wish I welcome either pink or blue and can't wait for the moment I get to meet my child. Today is a wonderful day because my friend met his baby girl for the first time and I can't wait to see them be parents. My time is coming and if I have a GIRL she will be born into a wonderful group of girlfriends. If I have a BOY well then karma is a bitch and I will watch him HOWL like a wolf....naaaa he will just have a lot of girls around him with VERY protective FATHERS and he will learn early on how a woman should be treated.
The truth is IF I had a son he would learn early on to treat girls with respect and dignity. I know that in my situation I found an amazing beautiful woman because I knew how she should be treated and now I am the one with THE HOT CHICK.
Before my wife got preggo I always said I needed to have a BOY. I think every guy wants to have their legacy carried on through new generations. I wanted the opportunity to guide my boy through sports, girls, and manhood. The day I heard the heartbeat of my unborn baby all of that changed. At this point I truly have no preference if I have a boy or a girl. All I want is to have a healthy child and to be the best dad I can be. This amazing spell that was casted over my friends is a true gift. These men have been bewitched by these beautiful baby girls and are loving every minute of it. So cast whatever spell you wish I welcome either pink or blue and can't wait for the moment I get to meet my child. Today is a wonderful day because my friend met his baby girl for the first time and I can't wait to see them be parents. My time is coming and if I have a GIRL she will be born into a wonderful group of girlfriends. If I have a BOY well then karma is a bitch and I will watch him HOWL like a wolf....naaaa he will just have a lot of girls around him with VERY protective FATHERS and he will learn early on how a woman should be treated.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Boy's Night Out
As we emerge into the 2nd trimester of What To Expect When She's Expecting we have shared the many experiences of laughter, tears and the lessons my wife and I have been discovering together. One lesson every couple should learn is when to give each other some space. We have been immersed into this life of morning sickness, hormones,excitement, and fear. These emotions have lead to some definite moments of frustration. I think it's best to take a step back at these times and give each other some space. When my father in law offered to take my wife to Atlantic City it presented the perfect opportunity for us all. My wife has sort of a gambling problem that has been passed down from her father. It has been said that the first noise my wife reacted to in her moms belly where the bells of a winning slot machine. It's this sound of bells that still makes my wife as excited as a little girl who just received her first toy doll. My wife has said that if she should die she requests that her ashes be dispersed among the many ash trays next to the slot machines in Atlantic City....do you now see how she has a problem? The truth is my wife doesn't spend money on new shoes, or expensive clothes and bags. To make my wife truly happy she just needs to hear the bells of a casino every few months. When her father asked to go to AC I pushed my wife to go and said it would be good bonding time with her father and I would stay home to save money and take care of the dog's. The truth is we needed some time a part and I needed a BOY'S NIGHT OUT.
This year alone 6 of our friends have either had a baby or are awaiting their first child. I knew it would be easy to convince these new or expecting fathers to a much needed Guy's night out. In the past a guys night out consisted of a trendy club, great music and velvet ropes. We usually got home at around 5am and we paid with blood from our wives or girlfriends. We never did anything bad we just where loud, funny, and obnoxious...BOYS. When boys become FATHERS things tend to change quickly. I sent my wife off with her dad and spent the day in boxers watching stupid T.V. and drinking beers it was wonderful. The BOYS NIGHT OUT was planned and I was excited not to hear or think about babies or hormones for just one night. The evening would not consist of a club, but rather a local bar and the meeting time was set for 6:30....WTF. In the past I would be napping at 6:30 to be ready for a long Saturday night, now it was the kick off time? We did drink beers and we definitely were loud as we reminisced of our crazy times in Las Vegas, and South beach. It was around 9pm when the unthinkable happened...the cell phones came out and like a bunch of woman we oohed and ahhhed over the latest baby pics. All of these big macho guys turned into a sentimental bunch of hormones like the one I just shipped off to A.C., including myself. The truth is our lives are evolving boy's have become men ,and men are becoming FATHERS the playing field has definitely changed. We had a great time and I was home passed out by 12am. My wife, well that was a different story. While I was subjected to the mans version of " A Baby's Story" my wife was living it up on the east coasts version of SIN CITY. The truth is by the time my wife walked in the door I had truly missed her and all of her pregnant issues. It turned out she hit a jackpot and she bought our baby's very first outfit, which was a onsie with triple sevens on the front. I have a feeling my baby would also now recognize the bells of a winning slot machine. I can only hope that I have the same relationship with my child as my wife has with her father....even if it does involve the small addiction of slot machines.
This year alone 6 of our friends have either had a baby or are awaiting their first child. I knew it would be easy to convince these new or expecting fathers to a much needed Guy's night out. In the past a guys night out consisted of a trendy club, great music and velvet ropes. We usually got home at around 5am and we paid with blood from our wives or girlfriends. We never did anything bad we just where loud, funny, and obnoxious...BOYS. When boys become FATHERS things tend to change quickly. I sent my wife off with her dad and spent the day in boxers watching stupid T.V. and drinking beers it was wonderful. The BOYS NIGHT OUT was planned and I was excited not to hear or think about babies or hormones for just one night. The evening would not consist of a club, but rather a local bar and the meeting time was set for 6:30....WTF. In the past I would be napping at 6:30 to be ready for a long Saturday night, now it was the kick off time? We did drink beers and we definitely were loud as we reminisced of our crazy times in Las Vegas, and South beach. It was around 9pm when the unthinkable happened...the cell phones came out and like a bunch of woman we oohed and ahhhed over the latest baby pics. All of these big macho guys turned into a sentimental bunch of hormones like the one I just shipped off to A.C., including myself. The truth is our lives are evolving boy's have become men ,and men are becoming FATHERS the playing field has definitely changed. We had a great time and I was home passed out by 12am. My wife, well that was a different story. While I was subjected to the mans version of " A Baby's Story" my wife was living it up on the east coasts version of SIN CITY. The truth is by the time my wife walked in the door I had truly missed her and all of her pregnant issues. It turned out she hit a jackpot and she bought our baby's very first outfit, which was a onsie with triple sevens on the front. I have a feeling my baby would also now recognize the bells of a winning slot machine. I can only hope that I have the same relationship with my child as my wife has with her father....even if it does involve the small addiction of slot machines.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Paternal Clock
A few years ago my biggest concern was how many days I would be able to hit the gym. My diet consisted of protein shakes and lean meat and a piece of bread meant an extra 45 minuets of cardio. I was never very good at sports but I looked like an athlete and I felt great about how I looked and felt. I had no real worries and my life was about my career and what club I would be going to on Friday night. On one Aug day about 2 years ago I broke my leg in three places and needed immediate surgery. When I woke up after surgery I was not able to move my right foot, I later found out that 85% of the use of my foot may never return. At that time I learned to cope with the things that would now restrict me like running, dancing, or being able to go to the gym. I walk with a slight limp but my life didn't stop, I don't think about my restrictions I just face reality and adapted to the situation. A few week's ago I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time I felt a paternal clock start to tick.
I started to feel these different emotions of sadness, anger , and I was conflicted. I realised I suppressed and took for granted the simple things that I no longer can do. Now I keep thinking about how my condition will affect my unborn child. I remember my dad teaching me to ride a bike , teaching me to play baseball and carry me on his shoulders. These are the memories I didn't think of to much as an adult, but now that I'm going to be a dad I understand how valuable those moments truly are. I no longer think about protein shakes and the gym, I worry about tripping on my own foot and the daily pain in my leg is a reminder of my accident. The reason I'm conflicted is because the day I heard that heartbeat I started to think about all the things that I want to do as a father. I want to run around in a field with my child, or dance with my baby, or carry my child on my shoulders without worrying about tripping. Will this accident rob me of those gifts? Will my child not be able to have the memories that I treasured? My accident for the first time is making me angry, because it's making me question my capabilities as a dad. I may not have been the best athlete growing up but I NEVER sat on the sidelines of life, and now I feel like I'm being forced to sit out on the best part of the game. I'm conflicted with the restrictions this accident has done to me, but I REFUSE to let anything steal a single moment of the gift of fatherhood. I may not be able to carry my child on my shoulders, but I will never let go of that child's hand. I may not be able to run and play baseball, but I will never miss a game. I will find a way to dance with my child. I will NOT sit this game out, rather I will find a way to be the MVP of this child's life. I am faced with the challenge that will transform me from a man into an amazing father. Some of you who read this blog know me well, some of you are getting to know me through this blog. The truth is this blog is helping me in many ways to in vision myself as more then just a man, but as a father to be.
My paternal clock started to tick the day I heard my baby's heartbeat. This means father hood starts NOW. I've been called into the game and I need to play better then ever before in my life. I have about seven months to condition myself physically and mentally to be the best I can be, despite my small challenges. My life is a gift, and the life that I am creating is the biggest gift life has to offer. I feel like a child on Christmas morning and this is one gift I can't wait to open, and this is one game where the bench is NOT an option. There may be some games I can't play, but then those will be the moments that my child will call me COACH.
I started to feel these different emotions of sadness, anger , and I was conflicted. I realised I suppressed and took for granted the simple things that I no longer can do. Now I keep thinking about how my condition will affect my unborn child. I remember my dad teaching me to ride a bike , teaching me to play baseball and carry me on his shoulders. These are the memories I didn't think of to much as an adult, but now that I'm going to be a dad I understand how valuable those moments truly are. I no longer think about protein shakes and the gym, I worry about tripping on my own foot and the daily pain in my leg is a reminder of my accident. The reason I'm conflicted is because the day I heard that heartbeat I started to think about all the things that I want to do as a father. I want to run around in a field with my child, or dance with my baby, or carry my child on my shoulders without worrying about tripping. Will this accident rob me of those gifts? Will my child not be able to have the memories that I treasured? My accident for the first time is making me angry, because it's making me question my capabilities as a dad. I may not have been the best athlete growing up but I NEVER sat on the sidelines of life, and now I feel like I'm being forced to sit out on the best part of the game. I'm conflicted with the restrictions this accident has done to me, but I REFUSE to let anything steal a single moment of the gift of fatherhood. I may not be able to carry my child on my shoulders, but I will never let go of that child's hand. I may not be able to run and play baseball, but I will never miss a game. I will find a way to dance with my child. I will NOT sit this game out, rather I will find a way to be the MVP of this child's life. I am faced with the challenge that will transform me from a man into an amazing father. Some of you who read this blog know me well, some of you are getting to know me through this blog. The truth is this blog is helping me in many ways to in vision myself as more then just a man, but as a father to be.
My paternal clock started to tick the day I heard my baby's heartbeat. This means father hood starts NOW. I've been called into the game and I need to play better then ever before in my life. I have about seven months to condition myself physically and mentally to be the best I can be, despite my small challenges. My life is a gift, and the life that I am creating is the biggest gift life has to offer. I feel like a child on Christmas morning and this is one gift I can't wait to open, and this is one game where the bench is NOT an option. There may be some games I can't play, but then those will be the moments that my child will call me COACH.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
THE TOXIC AVENGER
I remember as a kid watching either a news show or movie about the many riots during the Vietnam war during the 60's. It was always the image of military soldiers throwing gas grenades into a crowd of young protesters that stuck in my mind. Everyone at the scene would either run frantically or pass out from the terrible odor. I feel the military should invest and start planting pregnant woman in these riots undercover, because let me tell you one of my wife's SBD's = SILENT BUT DEADLY, could easily act as a new and deadly military weapon. I am now experiencing in week 13 that with my wife's many mood swings and deadly gas that she is starting to resemble the ever so terrifying TOXIC AVENGER.
The truth is GAS was always my specialty in my household. I have the ability to use many muscles to create what I call love serenades for my wife. This tends to only happen in the privacy of our home and these serenades sound gross but they really don't smell all that bad. The situation with my wife is completely the opposite her little queefs could seriously destroy anything within a 20 foot radius...they are deadly. The terrifying thing is as this pregnancy progresses these SBD's are now happening at anytime or anyplace...its truly horrifying. This past Sunday we had been doing our usual food shopping when rite there in the middle of the produce isle out of nowhere this god awful smell reaches my nostrils. I knew immediately my wife had detonated another SBD. The funny thing is she tries to act as if she didn't release this certified chemical weapon and continues on her merry way down the isle. The worst is when we are driving, you see we are in the middle of winter and the windows need to be sealed shut. As we are both having a discussion about what type of crib we may want all of a sudden the TOXIC AVENGER strikes in full force. I was a victim with no place to go and no air and thought that I might lose consciousness while driving my child appropriate SUV . We have just received a notice from the town commissioner stating our taxes have increased due to the many complaints about a fowl odor that was coming from our house. In another blog I will talk about the many different foods and abundance of it that my wife has been ingesting, but it certainly is a clue to the toxic stench which is produced within wife's tiny body.
I understand that this is something that happens to many pregnant woman, but I feel as if someone has taken my much deserved title away from me. My wife is now the reigning champion of FARTING. Men be AWARE and WARN your loved ones that a pregnant woman is most likely the host to the worlds most deadliest chemical weapon and its called the PSBD=Pregnant Silent But Deadly.
The truth is GAS was always my specialty in my household. I have the ability to use many muscles to create what I call love serenades for my wife. This tends to only happen in the privacy of our home and these serenades sound gross but they really don't smell all that bad. The situation with my wife is completely the opposite her little queefs could seriously destroy anything within a 20 foot radius...they are deadly. The terrifying thing is as this pregnancy progresses these SBD's are now happening at anytime or anyplace...its truly horrifying. This past Sunday we had been doing our usual food shopping when rite there in the middle of the produce isle out of nowhere this god awful smell reaches my nostrils. I knew immediately my wife had detonated another SBD. The funny thing is she tries to act as if she didn't release this certified chemical weapon and continues on her merry way down the isle. The worst is when we are driving, you see we are in the middle of winter and the windows need to be sealed shut. As we are both having a discussion about what type of crib we may want all of a sudden the TOXIC AVENGER strikes in full force. I was a victim with no place to go and no air and thought that I might lose consciousness while driving my child appropriate SUV . We have just received a notice from the town commissioner stating our taxes have increased due to the many complaints about a fowl odor that was coming from our house. In another blog I will talk about the many different foods and abundance of it that my wife has been ingesting, but it certainly is a clue to the toxic stench which is produced within wife's tiny body.
I understand that this is something that happens to many pregnant woman, but I feel as if someone has taken my much deserved title away from me. My wife is now the reigning champion of FARTING. Men be AWARE and WARN your loved ones that a pregnant woman is most likely the host to the worlds most deadliest chemical weapon and its called the PSBD=Pregnant Silent But Deadly.
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